Crud n’ Fluff in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Sheesh. OD is running super slowly and I don’t know if I’m going to have time to post an entry. Feeling quite frustrated as of late. My weekend consisted of two things: (1) trying to sleep off whatever this illness is, and (2) trying to continue working on this presentation. I’m nervous and edgy, and I think I’m just overly stressing. My counterpart is not nearly as freaked as I am. But then, she’s done this for years, and I haven’t. I just don’t feel like I’m at the point I should be. I have a feeling I won’t feel that way until the damn thing is done.

So, the crud thing. I have no idea what this is, but it sure is taking a toll on me. I literally slept all day on Saturday. I woke at 6, fed the cat, took a cold remedy, and slept until almost noon. Then I got up, somehow got myself dressed, walked to the market, got something to eat, came back, ate, and fell back to sleep…until 6pm! What the..? Got back up and walked to Barnes and Noble to get some periodicals for my presentation (stopping by Anthropologie and the coffee place to get a Chai latte first, of course), came home, perused the magazines for a while, and then….you guessed it….went back to bed!

Woke Sunday and practically repeated the whole process, substituting the Home Depot for the market and the Super Bowl for Barnes and Noble (while I struggled with my write-up).

[Later, much later]

Home from work and somewhat dragging, but strangely not feeling that badly….even though I didn’t get any work done on my presentation today. Many meetings and a relocation took place today.

My office was moved to another floor today. My new “cube” is unbelievably gigantic. I know, it’s like that because I work with lots of “ big stuff” and have to build story boards and other things for presentations and basically have my own workroom attached to my desk area. But it’s becoming annoying when people walk by and ask how the newbie got a bigger space than anyone else in the whole building! Bigger than my product managers’. Bigger even, than my boss’s! Except I don’t get the glass walls and the door. I just get a humongous area with easy access that allows people to walk by and stop me in the middle of an e-mail or phone call just to chat because I’m sitting right there in the middle of everything.

I’m beginning to somewhat distrust my counterpart. More than one person has told me that she really wanted my job instead of the one that she has (it’s really the same job, I just work with “faster” stuff…and I have more to do). I’ve been trying to work basically hand-in-hand with her. First and foremost, because this job is new to me and she can show me the ropes, but also so that we can present a company-wide statement and not two completely separate ideas. But I am starting to feel like she’s vying for my job and trying to make me look like I don’t know what I’m doing (which is basically true, but I’m catching on!). We were both asked a question pertaining our individual areas during a meeting this morning. And she answered my part!! And I was so shocked that I was a little dumbfounded! I didn’t say anything because this was the first time this has happened, but that shit’s gotta be nipped in the bud before it gets out of control.

But here’s the other thing: later in the afternoon, I went to work on another part of the presentation with her, and she completely helped me pull part of the section together. And then wanted to get chummy and talk about personal stuff. Like we’re best buds.

I feel something coming on. I don’t know what. But I need to be prepared.

I so hate to say this, but I much prefer the dynamics of working with men than I do women. Why is it that I’m so much more confident and effective with men? Why do female co-workers make me uneasy? This must be residual insecurity from the old job.

I think once I get this big chunk of presentation out of the way things will move much more smoothly. Because once this part is done, I’ll have a much better idea of how to do my job and run my business.

Enough about work.

Friday night was interesting. Girls’ night. Met two new girlfriends out at the martini bar. I was actually the first one there, and was immediately chatted up by a pretty drunk guy with a terribly interesting story. Something about being in town to clean up some kind of mess that his sister left behind after her death and his grandmother being some kind of Spanish royalty and on and on and on… Don’t know how much was real, but it was sure entertaining! So entertaining, that when he asked me to get out of the cold (we were standing right by the door), I obliged and sat down at a table with him. Kim showed up somewhere during my second martini and (I think) was just as fascinated with this strange man as I was. Then Christy showed up, and she wasn’t as amused. Because we’d decided to go to another bar and there was a lot of talk about switching cars and taking cabs and somewhere along the line, this guy had decided that he was going to ride with me to Kim’s house to drop off her car and so on.

Christy asked in a whisper if that’s really what I wanted to do. Well, no. Not really. Why had I agreed to take this total stranger across town in my car with me—alone?! Especially after another friend of mine (who lives here…and writes here) just told me about all kinds of nastiness going on around here lately.

Gah, I’m such a sucker for the charm.

Ended up just giving him my business card and telling him to meet us at another bar. We didn’t even end up going there, but to a different place. I was immediately bored.

I wanted the charm. The excitement. The suspense.

Got a call from yet another boy I haven’t even written about! Not yet sure if he’s worth the effort or the energy of writing here in these pages. Time will tell, but right now, I won’t.

By the time we got to our last stop (I was trying to meet up with the unmentionable boy), I was exhausted and run down and could barely speak. I couldn’t stay. I was coughing up a lung and really needed to go home at that point. I saw Unmentionable Boy, but more or less blew him off.

Went home and crashed hard (see beginning of entry).

Boy if this entry hasn’t come complete circle.

Ugh. Just realized that I’m running out of steam. I want to write so desperately. But the right words won’t come and I’ve been getting exhausted lately. So I tell these easy little fluffy tales and I’m so annoyed by them. I’m sorry. But not sorry enough not to post!