Super Randomness in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

So many little bits and pieces. I feel like that’s what my life consists of now. I don’t really have an entry, I guess. More of a jumbled mess of tidbits, I guess.

Yesterday was the first Saturday in weeks where I haven’t plopped myself down on the couch and snoozed for hours on end. Yesterday I took all the fixins for an outing to the gym with me (fresh clothes, hair stuff, lotion, makeup, etc.), so instead of going home after my workout and lazing about, I took myself out for a nice, leisurely late breakfast and then I drove to a little town about 45 minutes from here to do some browsing.

I ended up buying a bunch of cute little clothing separates: darling little embroidered cotton mini skirt, a beautiful sheer, crepe chiffon strappy tank, a groovy printed tank with a cool asymmetrical hemline, cute paperbaggy capris with drawstrings at the waist and hem, killer leather strap necklace with a silver front hookie clasp and matching earrings. Yeah. All great stuff. But I get this stuff home, and most of the pieces are so unique that they won’t go with anything else in my wardrobe!

To make matters worse, I always shop like that. I did the same thing in New York the week before: a gorgeous crinkled gauze skirt (several sheer layers, looks like a cloud), fun linen pants that sit verrrry looow on the hips and are printed in this great, giant tropical print, sexy halter top that criss-crosses in front with a satin ribbon and ties in back…..etc…the list goes on. But again, nothing to coordinate! I usually end a season with 5-10 pieces that still have price tags on them! Never worn, and going out of style.

And though a lot of people tout the great retail therapy theory, many times it makes me feel guilty and pissed at myself for a couple of reasons. (1) I may never wear these things and that’s wasteful, and (2) I don’t deserve these things because I’m not at a weight I’d like to be, so they don’t look as good as I’d like them to (ugh…a whole other complicated entry…yet the same old story).

Annneeeyway. What started out as a fun solo excursion ended up as a mini shopping frenzy that left me feeling quite empty. Granted, I didn’t spend a lot. But I could have been doing other things. I think my problem is that I’m not filling my free time with productive things that leave me feeling satisfied (more on that later).

That, and I think I might be getting allergies. I’ve never had allergies before. But I’ve been waking up feeling all clogged up on the inside. Coughy, sneezy, sinus headaches. I’ve been feeling sickly the last couple of weeks, but not sick enough to take time off work, etc. But do allergies leave a person feeling really, really lethargic? Because that’s how I feel. Groggy. Kinda out of it. And just so tired. I can hardly drag myself out of bed.

And let’s discuss some more time-wasters that are making me feel all kinds of guilty. Though you haven’t seen a lot of entries from me lately, I’ve been spending waaaay too much time on this little box again. What is it about the internet that just hypnotizes me? I go to search for one thing…location, music, whatever….and end up caught up in something completely off the subject. I can literally spend hours staring at the screen searching and reading and just fascinated by everything. Talk about suckage of time. I’m kind of feeling ashamed of just sitting here writing this entry.

But I did happen to find an interesting person IRL! Through my searching, and then finally inquiring, I met a girl online who is a local artist and a bit of a scenester. We met on Friday after work at this cool little coffee shop/bar. She introduced me to a few great new spots here in town, including a very hip French bistro where we went afterwards for apps and wine. She brought some of her work….these fun little postcards. They each tell these great little ironic stories about living in the Midwest. She gave me one. I put it in my purse and somehow ruined it. It got wet (??) and wrinkled. I can’t figure out how it got wet because nothing else in my purse was wet, but whatever. I was bummed about it.

Anyway. She’s trying to figure out how to get her stuff actually produced with a very limited budget. I have some local connections and told her that I’d get her some info. But I feel just the tiniest bit odd about our meeting. I can tell she’s a very delicate creature. A beautiful woman (no, gorgeous) with simply horrible self-esteem. She shared too much of her troubled life from the get-go (professional model very young, complete with eating and cutting disorders, held some odd jobs overseas, when things didn’t work out headed back to the Midwest), and I felt uncomfortable with the way we left things. I suppose I’ll get her the info that I promised and then see where it goes from there, but…we’ll see. Looking back, it was fun to meet someone new outside of my work circle (which seems to be my only source of social interaction at this point….bluh). But what an odd little bird.

Honestly, I’ve really no room to talk. I’m becoming more and more closed by the day. This is a bit worrisome to me. I’ve blown off every single guy from the speed-dating thing. Some are still writing. Wondering what happened to me. I need to write each of them and just tell them (delicately) that I’m just not interested, but something keeps me from doing that. Even the guy that I actually had a date with has asked me to go to baseball games, dinner, etc. etc. and I keep giving him excuses. I know, we obviously don’t have a connection. I guess I’m just worried that I’m never going to connect with anyone ever. Ever. Again.

Hermitsville, here I come.

Blast from the past: woke Saturday morning and eventually looked at my mobile phone. Guess who’d called? Super T. Yep. Mr. Blowoff himself. At 1:11 am. Now, I know it couldn’t have been a booty call, but I was pretty sure that he’d been drunk and wondered if he even remembered dialing my number. After a couple of rounds of phone tag, I finally talked to him last night. Stupid conversation. The usual bullshit. So after about 30 minutes, I finally cut to the chase. I asked him about calling me. Asked if he was drunk or what. Yes. He then went on a long, rambling explanation of Friday’s events. Yawn. But by digging further, what I finally found that really upset me was that he’d been in the area to see his family about a month ago. And never called to let me know. I would have gone to see him. It would have been very, VERY easy for him to come see me. Even for a freaking booty call! I don’t care at this point! I’m going through the worst dry spell I think I’ve ever had! I quickly got off the phone at that point. I don’t know why I’m wasting the space to write about him in this entry….I guess except for the fact that I’ve had a lot of time to think about people from my past lately. And he’s one of them. And I’m pissed at him. And I’m always pissed at him because he always lets me down. Always. Never fails. Poop on him.

Wow. My fingers seem to have vomited all over the page. I’ve reached the character limit.