Wake-Up Call in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

So I left work on my lunch hour and called KA to tell him that I was going to go out with the girls tonight instead of seeing him. He’d already called at like 9:30 this morning and asked me to call him back. I figured it was time to face the music. He was so cute and chipper on the phone and I just cringed when I heard such happiness.

So we chit chatted for a second and finally I told him that I really wanted to see my friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I could hear the disappointment and immediately felt guilty. I told him that I’d love to see him sometime over the course of the weekend and asked him if he wanted to do something on Sunday. Of course, he wanted to know what I was doing on Saturday and I told him that I had a million things to do. He then asked why I was being so evasive and I explained that it’s because it’s really boring errand type stuff and he wouldn’t be interested. He pried and pried. I suppose he wore me down and I felt much too guilty not to be completely honest with him.

I told him I couldn’t see him because I felt overwhelmed. I told him that our first encounter really took me off guard and that I was not expecting to feel such strong feelings, and that I wasn’t quite sure what to do about them. Then I told him that I felt just a little bit pushed with regards to him asking and pleading to come over. I don’t like to have to say no. Especially more than five or six times! I came right out and told him that I have been avoiding him to some extent because I wasn’t ready or able to fall immediately into a relationship, which is how this was starting to feel.

Then he flatly asked me if I had a date on Saturday night. So I told him that yes, I did.

Whoa. That sparked a whole new conversation. He asked me how I could go out with somebody else if I had such strong feelings for him? Why was I running? Why was I hiding from it? It ended with him telling me that I should be honest with the other guy and just tell him that I like someone else.

Well fuck. I suppose I left out the part about liking the other guy too, eh?

I suck.

But I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel some of those same LDL vibes that brought me to my knees the last time. And I suppose I’m thankful that they came back to me like an old recurring nightmare. Because I can see now how easily I was manipulated back then.

And though I may end up a crusty old shrew, I’m not falling for that stuff anymore! It’s not that I’m not a trusting person. It’s just that I’ve been through this. The highs are so high. The romance is so sweet. But the lows hurt more than anything in the world. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I won’t do it to myself ever again.

Poor, sweet KA. I know he doesn’t mean any harm. He really is a beautiful dreamer. I just wish I could kiss him awake.