Just One Tear in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

This packing business is for the birds. It depresses the hell out of me, and is making me second-guess the fact that I didn’t buy the loft.

And after talking with my dad just a few minutes ago, I just want to cry. He thinks I’m making a terrible decision by not buying the place…even if I move in the next six months or so, he thinks I could have made money and saved myself the trouble of moving into a temporary place. I guess he might be right. But I wish he’d kept that to himself.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. I should be excited about all of the possibilities, but now I’m getting scared. I absolutely must start looking on the brighter side of things. All of this self-doubt. I can’t stand it.

Mom says my dad is pissed because he thinks I want to throw away this great job just to move someplace else. Perhaps he’s right. But honestly, is it better to LIVE in a place that you love and have a job that’s not so amazing or to have a fantastic job and not really enjoy the life you have outside of work? And then there’s this one: could it be my own fault that I’m not out there enjoying everything that’s to be had from this place??

It’s not like I haven’t tried. Really. I’ve joined social groups, I’ve gone to all the nightspots. I’ve found the outdoor activities. I’ve taken classes. I’ve even dated here and there. But after three years, it’s just not working for me. I don’t want to live here the rest of my life. I know that for sure. And if I did suddenly get laid off or fired or whatever, there really isn’t any place in this town where I could get another job in my field.

I’m just frightened by the whole prospect. What if I can’t find a job in any of the places I want to move? I don’t think I’ll make as much money as I make now in these other places because of the very, very stiff competition. But I just have to believe that there’s something else out there for me.

I want to know if I’m making the right decision. And I’m not going to know until I just do it.

I need to consider this a challenge and an adventure. No more being scared. Lonely, sure. And that does make me cry. But scared? No more tonight, anyway.