Jack-a-doodle-do!! in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Okay, okay, okay!! No more of The Jackhammer. I just needed to prove to myself that I wasn’t missing out of a fantastic opportunity and a new-found life in the movie and television industry (yeah, right here smack between the two coasts). Plus, you have to understand that I was in a deep depression over losing the loft of my dreams (never mind location, location, etc., it was a kick-ass place!) and I was fucking lonely.

And partially insane.

Okay, and YES, ridiculously stupid!!

IDIOT!

There.

I’ve just barely begun the unpacking process, and already I kind of dig the place. It just goes to show that I really can be at home pretty much anywhere. As long as I can have a cozy little nest in which to lay my head, light a few candles and snuggle with the cat, I’m fine. It just takes me a few days to let the shock of a move sink in. Even if it’s a move five blocks away. Which also has me thinking about the Katrina evacuees and how much that really must suck. I’m embarrassed to be a whiny baby about all this moving bullshit. Who the hell am I to complain? Gah. So shut up already.

In other news, my boss and colleagues are in Hong Kong for the week. I shoulda been on that trip, but it helps with my O.O.T., phase II tactics. One phone interview tomorrow, and then in two weeks, a career fair in Los Angeles prefaced by a scandalous liaison in San Francisco (during which time I’ll turn a ripe old 38 years). Oooh, I’m a sneaky one, aren’t I? I better stop accessing this site while at work. Starting now.

Let’s back up to the birthday, shall we? Since it’s been quite the topic of discussion lately. I’m to the point where I’ve decided that you’re never too old to do anything. Like, moving to New York or somesuch place. Whenever I talk about getting the hell out of the Great Midwest, most people say (or think), aren’t you a little old to be doing that? Why don’t you find a place to settle down?

Well, it’s like this. What does it really mean to settle down? Does it mean that I have to “find someone” and get married? Does it mean that I have to find a “place” to settle down? What if I’m more comfortable moving around every few years? I spent my whole childhood hopping from town to town, and I guess it just sort of instilled a certain restlessness in my heart.

Does that mean I have a fear of commitment? Probably. In fact, I really think that plays a part. Add to that my constant worry, and it’s more than likely an impossible combination for someone who thinks they want to “settle down” with me (not that anyone’s trying—okay, there’s LDL and The Whackhammer).

So what does that mean to a 38-year-old woman who is nowhere even close to anything that indicates settling down and stability? I guess it means that I can go anywhere I want. I can do what I please. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I should learn to embrace it and not be afraid. Minor things like moving into a new space should not have such a depressing effect on me. Why be scared??

If I were really brave, I’d take some time off and spend a couple months traveling the world. Aaah, a vacation! I have to be honest when I tell you that I was sort of disappointed by my ‘good’ review the other day and a promise of a change in my position. A layoff with a small severance package would actually have been something of a relief (okay, I say that now, but the worrier in me would probably have a cow). Still, wouldn’t that be amazing? It’s been 12 long years since that 6-month break I took to explore Europe. And when I came back to the US—damn!!—was I ever ready to get back to work!

I haven’t taken more than 5 days off in a row in those 12 long years. Most years, not even that. I need a change. Why not? I have NO commitments besides my job. I should be living it up. Or at least living. Exploring. Doing. I don’t care how old I am. I have to learn how to not be so afraid of life.

I know all of this sounds queer, but I just need to think this through a little bit. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but I think it helps just to let this dribble out here. I need to do something. I have to do something.

Hm. That came out of nowhere. Okay, not nowhere, but you know what I mean.

Midlife crisis, much? Oy.

I’m drained. Clean, crisp sheets on the bed are calling. I want to dream a million dreams and wake up with a little clarity. Let’s see what happens.