I talked with LDL on the phone last night, and hes growing impatient and grouchy. I can see it from his side, because Ive been toying around with the idea of moving out there for years now (since before my move to the Great Midwest), and he thinks Im pretty much just a tease when it comes to actually doing this. Maybe I am. But I see his old ways come out when he gets impatient. And I can feel myself shrink back into the passive girlfriend role. And I dont want to do this again. And again. And again.
Of course, Im overly sensitive to those feelings, and I call him on it all the time. Thats the thing. I think were damaged beyond repair, and we end up getting together time after time because its easier than going out and finding something new (its a long way to go for ex-sex, I know). Yet, I cant seem to let go of the past and he cant seem to stop telling me how different he is and how he now sees the light and will treat me so much better than he did before and on and on (guess what? Hes told me that before)
Sure, Im terrified of commitment, but I almost feel more comfortable about accepting Stephans offer to let me live in his house in upstate New York until I found a job in Manhattan than I do about accepting LDLs offer of moving into his place until I found a job in San Francisco.
And one more thing: if I get the job offer from my old company, I wouldnt need to move in with anyone until I got on my feet. Because Id be hitting the ground running. Id already have a job–a better job. I know the area. I know where Id want to live. I would be close to my parents. I have friends there.
I do have options good ones. I should be thrilled. And if nothing else (say I get laid off tomorrow), I can still take that long vacation. Too bad Agent Aussie hasnt been in touch lately. Id love to take a trip down under for a couple weeks or so
Just checked my email again. No such luck. But I did hear from Karl. Hes the Irish guy I met in Barcelona a little over a year ago.
Truth be told, I do love my life!!!
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