Booty COGs in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

While COG is the initials of our diary names–Charmingly Neurotic, Onegin and Ginger Snap–more importantly in this entry, the literal definition applies. There are way too many “cogs” in the wheels of getting some man-woman contact lately. Trend report to follow:

C is for [Charmingly Neurotic]

Use to be I’d lament about the fact that it was hard to get a boyfriend. I’d chase guys to be a boyfriend, then over the years I had lowered my standards to chase them to merely be someone to date. Now, I find myself waiting for a text to appear for a booty call. WTF.

Let’s go over the devolution of man-women contact, shall we?

PRIMARY FORM OF CONTACT:

Boyfriends: Phone

Dates: Email

Friends: IM

Booty Calls: Text Messenging

• If you see a girl, late night, texting furiously with a conspiratorial grin on her face, I’d bet you my bank that she is trying to get some.

GIFTS:

Boyfriends: Diamonds

Dates: Flowers

Friends: Dinner

Booty Calls: Condoms and Sex Toys (if you are lucky)

Some dude I was dating who SEEMED like boyfriend material and that I would even consider just dating, kept trying to make it clear he just wanted booty call status. He went so far as to say for my birthday he was planning on getting me a sex toy. Ewww. As a side note to my side note, last night on Bill Maher I found out that sex toys are now illegal in 7 states. Go Fuck Yourself can now lead to jail time.

SMELL:

Boyfriends: Cologne

Dates: Freshly Showered

Friends: Baby Wipes and Mouthwash

Booty Calls: Sweat

DÉCOR:

Boyfriends: Pristine apt. Candles going, fresh sheets on a made bed, sparkling tub, toilet seat down

Dates: Glade and some incense, freshly dusted surfaces

Friends: Cigarette smoke and clutter hidden in piles under the bed

Booty Calls: Urine congealed on the toilet seat

I don’t care if the motherfucking maid supposedly comes on Mondays, if I am paying for a cab to come to your place late night to give you FREE sex, you had better at least wipe the pubes and congealed urine off the seat, motherfucker. I don’t want to be seeing other girl’s hair on the pillows either, got me?

TIME:

Boyfriend: Stays the night

Date: Comes up for coffee

Friend: Calls when you get home to make sure you are safe

Booty Calls: Have to be somewhere else in 30 minutes, so let’s make this quick.

O is for [Onegin]:

Over cocktails with the girls on the topic of cock tales, the subject was brought up : the booty call.

Since breaking my engagement I’ve had my fair share. But I’ve laid some pretty specific ground rules.

1. I don’t cross bridges or tunnels…I did once upon a time but now that guy is engaged and every now and again IM’s me to play let’s remember. That’s so not cool. Boys, once you have moved on and have a girlfriend, it is no longer acceptable to speak with a girl you would only call once a month to come over and “watch a movie”.

2. Take me out to dinner first. I enjoy a good meal as much as the next girl, and most likely I will be willing to chip in on the bill unless you pick a bottle of wine that costs more then my ipod nano.

3. I take the time and effort to get ready as should you. You will not meet me straight from the gym without having taken a shower. Your apartment should be clean. I should not be grossed out by your bathroom. I take the time to shower, shave and clean my apartment as should you. It’s 2006, manscaping is a perfectly reasonable thing to expect.

4. Never under any circumstances should you ever throw a girlfriend OR other booty call in my face. This is a huge one. I work in a nightclub and am more then willing to get a reservation for you and a friend, but if said friend is a girl and you are more then friends, you are cut off. Case in point:: my latest BC had the gall to ask me to arrange a table for him and some friends and then showed up with some chick who I found out after he left he made out with….IN MY CLUB. So I cut him off. Which leads to..

5. Once I am done with you, I’m done with you. Don’t call me a few months down the road to come over for old time’s sake. Especially if you have just broken up with someone.

That’s all I ask. I don’t think it’s too much now really.

G is for [Ginger Snap]

Five Featured Flings

What can I say? A woman in her 30s has needs. Unfortunately, I’m nothing really new, special, or unique when it comes to those kinds of needs. In fact, my recent conversation with [CN] and [onegin] over cocktails has gotten me thinking and wondering…are flings the “new relationship”? And when did people start taking booty calls for granted? Can I ever go back to the old fashioned way of dating? Is this why it’s been six long years since my last real relationship? What the hell is going on?!

In order of appearance, here are the latest and (not-so) greatest booty callers and callees: