I know you know NONE of the facts/issues here, but I’m in dire straights…I’m still overseas (now in London), and I fucked up last night and kinda drunk dialed Grrrrr and acted like an insecure idiot.
I’ve composed this email. Hopefully, the gist is there. What should I do?! Send? Dump? Help?
Dear Grrrr,
Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind.
You know, I’ve been thinking a lot while I’ve been gone, and it’s funny: I used to think it was so hard traveling around without having someone to miss…I had all of this energy/emotion and nowhere in particular to send it…so I’d sort of send it out into the universe by doing all kinds of things. I’d go explore a new area or museum or go out with people from work…or anything that would take up that excess and get me through a trip. Sometimes though, the lonliness would eat away at me, and those were the times when I’d just keep it inside and ache to my core.
Well now…this is something else altogether. And now I do have someone to miss, and all that excess energy has sort of been hyperfocued on you (lucky you!), and because this is so new/different for me, I don’t quite know how to react to the intensity of it all. It’s such a good feeling to know that you’re there. And “good” doesn’t describe it. It’s slightly overwhelming (in an amazing way!!), as this note might possibly be. I don’t even know if I should risk sending it…but it is helping me to get this out, so maybe this could be a good thing? I’ll know soon enough, I guess.
I just wanted to write and say I’m really sorry I opened a whole can of worms while I was over here. Gah…bonehead! And now I feel like we have to wait to resolve everything, and it’s kinda eating away at me. I almost want to just get it all out in writing so that it will be out there, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do.
Remember when you were telling me about how you were feeling about your new job…that you aren’t saying a lot because you are trying to listen and learn? I guess I’m trying to listen and learn from you as well (even though I do a lot of blabbing myself), and perhaps I’m not hearing some things correctly or I’m misinterpreting, and I’m not immediately asking you to clarify, and I think that’s where my confusion and frustration (and yes, boneheadedness) comes into play.
You’ve even mentioned before that I don’t ask a lot of questions, and it used to be more that I didn’t want to pry into subjects that you might not be comfortable talking about, but I think we’ve moved beyond that stage now…yet I haven’t asked you some of my most pressing questions. Some of that has to do with the fact that the timing hasn’t been completely right for another heart-to-heart, but I do know that it’s my responsibility to get answers to the questions that I’m having. You can’t read my mind (well, some of the time, but you know!).
Anyway. I know that I went about things wrong yesterday, and I was kind of uncomfortable with our conversation tonight. And the distance is making me antsy…
And I just can’t wait to get home so we can find each other again.
Ginger
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