Therapy Stress in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Wellllll…..I’ll write about the fantastic weekend we had in a non-favorites only entry. For now, what I have is an update to last entry…

The Session:

It was a toughie. First of all, I was a little late—stuck in traffic. When I got to the therapist’s office, I was seething with anger and traffic frustration. Grrrr was already there, and I could tell he’d actually been crying a little bit. But Grrrrr was sweet and gentle to me…even though we hadn’t seen each other since our knock-down drag-out. I was relieved that he was as calm as he was, which in turn, calmed me down a little. The therapist said that perhaps it was a good time for this particular meeting.

You know, I’m realizing that I make his problems my own. Sure, the fact that his ex was getting re-married on Friday was not MY problem, but I made it my problem when I got upset about his stress—which he said had nothing to do with the ex, but more the fact that he misses his kids….and I get that. But THAT stress gets lumped in there too, and….UGH…it’s all just a MESS.

How do I let my relationships get this way (where I have the absolute lower hand)? I’ve been here before. I’ve let my significant others’ problems overpower my own. I hurt harder than they do. I stress over things longer. I fret. I worry. I resent.

And it’s soooo not good for a relationship, I know!! But I don’t know what to do to snap out of that mode when I’m with someone who is depressed or hurting. Do I just pretend that hurt isn’t there? Isn’t that completely insensitive? Do I play happy clown? No…I can’t fake it. What do I do?

So we talked it out, and the session was okay, but then we went to dinner.. I thought everything was fine at that point and that we could joke about some other “issues” we’ve been sort of having, when all of a sudden, he looked at me with a look that could just kill, shook his head and said, “This sucks. One issue after another and it will always be this way…this just sucks.”

And it was the look of a breakup. And I got that lump in my throat. And my heart beat right out of my chest. And oh my god, I was soooo sure it was coming…and I kept thinking…holy shit, he JUST MOVED IN THREE DAYS AGO!!!

But then I guess he could see the panic in my face and he said, “I want to tell you something right now. I love you and I don’t want to break up with you, but we have GOT to start getting over some of this stuff.”

And here’s where we stand, relationship-wise. I mean, we had a wonderful weekend together (and I need to get another entry in about that), but there is still that underlying stress…the stress of “us”, the stress of his kids and the fact that he hasn’t seen them in six months and they are growing up without him, the medical things that are popping up because of the stress, the stress of the holidays, the stress of me stressing out about him…the list goes on and on and on.

And I can’t just ignore it away, but I can’t let it tear me apart either. I have a job to keep (oh man!) and sanity to maintain, and a life of my own (don’t I?).

Oh hell.