Updates on Various in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

It occurs to me that maybe I should get back into the swing of things and write an update about what’s going on outside my drama and worry (even though that seems to encompass everything). Life, after all, does go on…

Work: I’ve just been so busy trying to keep up with everything, and it sucks. I guess I’ve fallen behind because my brain has been so occupied with my personal issues. This has put me in a pretty precarious position. Something happened with Boss Party Pants while my direct boss was on vacation, and I’ve only told Boss about it because she needed to know….I was very late to a very important meeting (because another meeting ran over), and Boss Party Pants basically had to fight for something that I should have been all over. She was so upset with me that I had to have a closed-door meeting with her—where she basically read me the riot act, told me how disappointed she was with me, told me that she should give me a written warning, but that she didn’t want to because she has so much faith in me, but that I REALLY need to step up to the plate. I was more than devastated. I was mortified. I even cried a little bit (which she was expecting because she had been holding a tissue under her desk the whole time just waiting for the water works—unprofessional, yes, but I almost feel like that needed to happen to let her know how horrified I was about the conversation we were having). I have a LOT to say about this particular meeting, but I need to save it for another entry. Let’s just say, I think some of it has to do with the relationship that Boss Party Pants and I have (you know, the “Party Pants” part of it?) and the fact that pretty much everyone knows that we are close in that way. Add to that the preoccupation. And add another layer of VERY difficult business partners that I have to deal with. And top it off with BPP getting caught off guard at MY meeting with MY issues, and I get where she was coming from. Needless to say, I have been doing my best to put in extra effort here and there, but until I come up with a brilliant master plan to really WOW my department, I’m under uncomfortable scrutiny. Doesn’t help that I had to leave a tad early last night to go to couples therapy!!! Oy.

Weight/Body: By most standards, I am considered skinny. But I have come to realize that I’ve always had kind of a warped body image. When I was “fat”, I didn’t realize it. I went on and on, drinking beer and eating all kinds of yummy carbs until I could hold no more. Until one day I looked in the mirror and thought, whoa, who are YOU?! And now? When I see myself creeping up to [skinny weight] lbs, I freak. Today, I’m [2 lbs from skinny wt.]. I feel like a cow. I feel like I have a big, bloated belly, and my ass is gigantic. I’m going to work out tonight and watch my intake for the rest of the week. I’m wearing a hoodia patch that doesn’t seem to do any good. I need some more black coffee. Really, now. I know I’m not fat, but I’m just so scared of doing the yo-yo thing again and again. And I worry sometimes that I will fit into my fat girl clothes again. Especially lately. I’ve allowed myself to relax a little with the food and the booze. I know it’s the stress, and I know I need to allow myself treats occasionally (salty stuff!). But let’s just say I’ve been treating myself over and over during the last few weeks, and something’s gonna blow out of proportion—probably my hips! Oh, and the gym classes? They’ve somehow been whittled down to once/week—the Saturday morning class that I love so much. I used to go during the week, but work and life and…stuff…just gets in the way. I’m still trying to talk Grrrrr into getting a bicycle, and I think I’m winning that discussion (yay…I’m winning something, right?!) because he sometimes runs with me, even though I know he doesn’t like to. I’m hoping he’ll like the bike thing better. Regardless, I can’t wait for someone else to motivate me. It’s up to me.

Wardrobe: Overhaul is imminent!! I still have some ollllld fat girl clothes in my closet that I really MUST dump. I found a great consignment store that takes all of my good stuff, and I actually sometimes get a little bit of $$$ back! The other stuff gets Goodwilled, but I also need to look into a women’s shelter that Lovely Leah was telling me about (ugh, did she make me feel guilty when we were going through my closet the other evening). Aneeeyway, I need new fashions!! Especially shoes (because of course, you know I have to get rid of the fat shoes too—haha!)!! So, what do you think of these?! Good start?! Grrrrr actually bought me a bag that matches (that I can’t find on the website for some reason, but trust me, verrrrry awesome!). Another reason why I’d like to keep Grrrrrrr around: my own personal stylist with amazing taste!!! I’m unbelievably lucky in that respect!

[side note: I’m unbelievably hungry right now—ugh]

Parents: Something’s going on with the ‘rents. I’ve been feeling a little guilty about not spending enough time with them lately, and they called over the weekend to see what was going on. They told me that they have some things they want to talk about with me about some decisions that they’ve recently made—nothing major, they say…just some things that I need to know that they don’t want to discuss over the phone. Okaaaaaay. I’m completely curious. So we’re having dinner on Wednesday. They’re coming to our place. I’m not sure this is something that Grrrrrr should be involved with, but he wants to grill steaks and make a nice dinner for them, and I think it’s so sweet of him. He told me that he’d completely respect our privacy, but if we’re going to be family, I wonder if it’s something he’ll need to be privy to sooner or later? Guess I should call mom and dad and see….they don’t know that Grrrrrr and I have been talking about getting engaged (unless he’s already told/asked them? I know they had some time alone together while I was on my world-wide business trip).

House/Living Situation: So Grrrr and I are still living in the loft that we actually really like a lot. We’re renting, and lately we’ve been sort of stopping at open houses when we see them while driving through town. There’s a house that we’ve seen that he instantly fell in love with (so fickle!), and I’m actually coming around pretty quickly. We’re both kind of wishy-washy about the whole thing, though because we could stay where we are and save some $$$$ for the wedding, or buy this great house, but then how much could we save?! I’m sure I’ll write more on this later….decisions, decisions!!

Therapy: And speaking of decisions (although I’m getting itchy to finish up this entry), after yesterday’s session w/the couple’s therapist (we had separate consultations), it looks like I’m still in need of making those big, BIG ones…

This is exciting!!! Scary? Yes, but exciting nonetheless! Stay tuned.

Whoops. I need to get back to work. I’ve got a lot of “WOWing” to do.