I am trying to participate in the NoJoMoHoWoNoNo (whatever the hell?). If nothing else, to write more. Even if it is teeny tiny entries, and I’m sure they will be from time to time. Hey…anyone know if we can write more than one entry a day? Is that allowed? Because I may have some fleeting thoughts here and there that I just want to get down. We’ll see.
Halloween was an emotional day for me. It kinda freaked me out, so I guess it did its job? I don’t know. It hit me in a hardcore way.
Anyway, my office does this really cool thing every H’ween. Background: because I work in such a gigantic office, they have an on-site daycare center with lots and lots of babies. I mean, it seems like hundreds of them (now that I’m paying a lot more attention to children). There are newborns up to first grade age, and every single little guy is more squeezable than the next.
So, on Halloween, the daycare has a parade. And all the little tots along with their parents (it’s such a big day that spouses come, and sometimes grandparents, etc.) dress up in costumes and march alllllll through the building! And some of these parents go ALL OUT. They must spend months thinking about how they will dress their babies. It’s outrageous and adorable and beautiful…and this year it was all I could do to not burst out into huge, heaving sobs.
My reaction shocked me.
At that very moment I wanted soooooo desperately for at least a glimmer of hope to create a family. I mean a real one–one where I get pregnant and Grrrrr gets so excited/thrilled/giddy about becoming a daddy (again), and we glow and grow together. And blah, blah, blah…all that sugary, sappy stuff. Oh, I wanted it ALL!
But I know that’s not reality because Grrrr wants nothing to do with having any more children, and I have to respect that.
It’s just that. I never really thought long and hard about really having kids until I met Grrrr. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I was never very serious about family until I met a true family man. But Grrrr is so wracked with sorrow and guilt about his own kids (perhaps more on that later) that he can’t bear to have another (yeah, I’ll have to expound, I think).
So.
I got over it a little bit when thinking about what a disruption and a HUGE change it would be to have a baby. I thought long and hard about the benefits of NOT having children.
Until–
I went to my second therapy session that evening (yeah, on Halloween no doubt!). And I guess the baby thing was so top of mind. I rambled on and on and on about the parade and Grrrrr and his kids and blah and more blah.
And then, Therapist Guy (needs a name!) gave me an assignment to work on in the next two weeks: write a letter to my child/ren who will never be born. Write about all the things that I will miss about him/her…all the things we will never get to experience together. Think about how I’m feeling as I write the letter. Think about my relationship with Grrrr.
The point is, he wants me to begin a sort of grieving process. I’ve simplified it here on this page because I’m running out of time. I need to come back and explain.
Bottom line is, ow. Ow. Ow. OWWWW! This hurts my head and my heart and my whole being to think about. And I don’t even know where to begin writing a LETTER to the baby I’ll NEVER EVER HAVE!!!
Happy Halloween, indeed.
Let’s let that stew for a little while, shall we? I gotta get ready for work.
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