Well hello again! I really can’t believe it’s my last night here in Germany. It’s been quite the experience, and I’m not even sure how to put it here in words. Let’s just say I’m glad I came and I think I’m even more glad I’m going home. I don’t know.
Good trip? Sure. Moments of pure bliss and happiness? Yes. Weirdness? Awkwardness? You bet. My fiance being the sweetest? Of course. My fiance being a dick? That too.
I really don’t know how to put things right now. I’m still in it. I’m a little worried about missing our flight tomorrow morning. I can just see The Future Mr. Snap taking soooo much time to say goodbye to the kids that we will run over and miss all of our connections. On the other hand, his ex-wife is pretty good about keeping her wits about her. I am neutral ground. I can’t say anything.
The hospitality from the ex-family has been nothing but stellar. Unbelievable. Really. Again, I don’t know what to say. It has been a surreal trip. I feel like an ass and an angel all at the same time (I worried myself into a frenzy and tried my damndest to be a good partner and future step-mom). It’s weird and exhilarating and amazing and a downer all at the same time. Does that make sense? I didn’t think so.
I’m going to go because TFMS is in the other room playing with the kids and I’m hiding out in our bedroom like the unsocial (perhaps wicked?) one. How to shake these feelings of guilt? Of being a little lost? Of wanting something so desperately and knowing I’ll never, ever grasp it?
The language barrier alone is something I can’t quite shake, though we try and we try and the kids are so good and I’m learning so many words. I’ll always be frustrated, though. I think. I pray not, but I have a feeling.
I’m lonely here. And scared. And I’m trying sooooooo hard. And I sometimes feel a glimmer of love, but mostly I feel quite a bit like an outsider. No matter how many times TFMS’s son calls me “mama”. It’s sweet but uncomfortable.
Gotta go for now.
I miss you. I miss me. Merry Christmas and ooops…the little ones are calling me!!!!! Another glimmer of love……………??????
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