Thank you to everyone for the very cool notes on my last few [faves only] entries. I just wanted you to see the story for yourselves. I know it’s probably not fair to post photos of people who don’t know I’m posting, but I figure that my faves are my friends, and if I’d had a physical photo album, I’d be carrying it around and showing all of my friends. Yes, ALL. That’s why those entries are [faves only] in the first place.
Now. I only posted that picture with the X in it for perspective. I don’t necessarily think I’m better than her, but I too am surprised that she and TFMS were together for any length of time, let alone 12 years and two kids. But that just goes to show that sometimes you can’t judge a book by its cover, and even if you DO read the book, you still don’t really get it. Yeah, she’s snagged two really handsome guys…and made them both husbands. She has a decent personality and she’s warm and welcoming (to a point….she’s still German, after all…um…no offense)–so far anyway. She DOES come from money, so that’s something. But she’s NEVER done anything to me that was terribly out of line (I mean sure, she invaded a LOT of my personal space when they came here in the springtime, but I know that was because she was nervous and wanted to see what kind of person I am–read: stepmother I might be).
But I’ll tell you this, as much as I’m finally willing to try to have an amicable relationship with her (for the sake of TFMS and the kids), I DO NOT trust her. The shit she pulled on TFMS (and their kids) is inexcusable, no matter how personable and mature she acts with anyone. I will be cordial and gracious as much as I can with her. I will do my very best. It’s my only choice if I want to stay in a relationship with TFMS. But I will watch my back with her, that’s for sure. Sucks to have to do that, but I know some of the things she’s capable of (and I probably haven’t even scratched the surface because I simply don’t think that way).
Okay. Now that THAT’S out of the way….
Yes, oh yes! Daughter is a little clone of TFMS. And did you notice? Son is a little X-mini-me!! Funny, eh? They sure did make amazingly beautiful children together.
And they are super cool kids. And I want to know them. And yet they scare me (the prospect of step-mothering). The language thing is still tough, and there are big cultural things too. From manners to hygiene and a million other things…and it’s not like I’m going to be spending every other weekend and Wednesday nights with them, ya know? And in a way it’s a bit of a relief, and in another way, it’s heartbreaking to think that this might possibly be my only chance at something that resembles motherhood, and nothing, NOTHING seems fair.
And then I feel an overwhelming sense of selfishness guilt. And then I feel so sad for TFMS. And then I ache for the kids. And I cry sometimes at the whole deal.
And THEN I feel hopeful and I smile when I think about the cool things. And I hope and pray for the best.
And on and on it goes in my brain and my heart and I know it does for ALL of us involved in this funny, crazy family.
Oh and one more thing for now and then I have to close and get some homework done: TFMS has backtracked on the kid thing with me. Before Christmas, we’d finally gotten to a point where we were going to discuss having a baby, and he’s changed his mind again. Granted, everyone has the right to change his/her mind, but I feel like we’ve taken one step forward and 100 steps back.
I’m having a hard time lately. As fantastic as that trip was, I feel like we’re all missing something/s.
I’m so hopeful and then I’m not so much. One thing’s for sure: I love, love, LOVE TFMS. But I’m spinning. Thrilled about the future, but skeptical too.
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