Suppose I should update while I wait for Best Bud to get here. She’s coming to town with her honey and their baby, but since I only have one bed now, honey and baby will spend the night at another friends’ place (also so we can have girl time).
They will take me to Best Bud’s brother and SIL’s place tomorrow. It’s a little party for bro’s birthday. And on Sunday they will take me to yet another party. I don’t really feel like going, but eh. Whaddyagonnado?
Yesterday I went to see the minister who was supposed to officiate our wedding. I didn’t know if I was going to break down and bawl or what when I told him that Ex-MrSnap was calling the whole thing off. It was bizarre. I didn’t. Not even close. I think I was doing that nervous half-smile bit. You know what I’m talking about? Where you fake smile instead of cry?
All I know is that it was soooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable. And I think it was for him too. He told me that he was shocked. I told him that I was too. And then I rambled on for what seemed like hours about just random shit about how the Ex-MrSnap loved me conditionally (as opposed to unconditionally) and what a fucked up situation it was (without the “fuck” part, of course…but I know he could see it on my face…all what-the-fuck, fuck, FUCK?).
Yuck.
We have spoken, EXMS and I. The talks do not go well. He is clueless as to what he’s done here. It’s so strange. Like a defense mechanism. He has this ability to just go blank. It’s scary.
We have travel plans with his kids that need to be changed. He does NOT get this.
He’s not going to have ROOM for his kids in that little apartment. I guess they’ll be sleeping on the floor? This doesn’t seem to faze him. But it’s not my business anymore (and NO, I have not seen his new place…I just know what he’s told me).
And speaking of kids, the preg test came out negative. I was relieved and so unbelievably sad all at the same time. My period is a million years late, though.
How does one do it? How does one just STOP the trajectory that is one’s life and simply turn around and go the other way? So simply and so easily????
I am unbearably uncomfortable. Sometimes overwhelmingly sad; sometimes numb and dizzy; sometimes just LOST and not sure where to go. I spent most of last weekend driving around and around the lake where my parents live…one big circle…again and again and again.
I keep going to work, pretending that nothing has happened. From time to time, someone will stop me in the hallway and ask how the wedding planning is going, and I will say (straight-faced), “He called it off.”
I’m so scared of the breakdown that’s building up inside of me. When will I blow?
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