OK. Deep breaths.
I started writing the whole thing out. What happened. The events leading up to EXMS leaving me at a party in a city that’s a 4 hour drive away from home, moving out of our loft, and quite simply, just LEAVING. It’s just so. UGH!
I think I’m going to make that entry private because it’s like, do you really want to read the nitpicky blood and gore? Maybe. But it’s still too ugly and raw right now.
Bottom line is, it was an event that snowballed. He got pissed at me because he thought that I was being obnoxious and disrespectful and left the scene. When I finally made it home I was too upset to talk to him. Finally, a few conversations later, he decided that we just aren’t compatible and shouldn’t get married. Another conversation and the wedding was off. A few more conversations, and he was moving OUT!
And now. He simply wants to start fresh?? Like begin at the beginning?
I am STILL blown away by this. I am STILL shocked. And I am so much more than simply heartbroken. This is so much more to me than a breakup.
It’s like seeing your whole life in front of you, all laid out. Yes, you see bumps in the road and crossroads and mountains and everything. But you can see it coming, ya know? You wear your hiking boots. You prepare yourself for some stormy weather, and you bring your sunscreen for protection from the sun, and you know that there will be good times as well on this journey, so you bring along some Champagne to celebrate. You’ve got all of the necessary accoutrement. You’re READY!! And you’ve got the greatest person walking right there beside you.
It’s like walking, walking, walking along this path.
And then all of a sudden, you fall into a booby trap…a hole that’s been covered by sticks and leaves. And you tumble down into this black hole. And you have NO idea where you are. It’s dirty and cold and confusing.
And then you realize that the person you were walking along the path with has actually sort of NUDGED you into the fucking hole!! And he looks down like, “whoops.”
But he doesn’t even TRY to pull you out. In fact, he’s all, “I TOLD you to watch where you were going! Now look what you’ve done.”
And he waits a while and stands around the hole sort of taunting you…daring you to pull yourself up. And you try, but you don’t quite have it figured out yet because you realize that you’re all scraped up and bleeding and your legs are too numb to get any leverage.
And he’s still standing there watching, saying, “Come on, just climb out of this hole so we can keep wandering down the path. It’ll be fine. We’ll just back up few miles and start again and it will be a bit of a struggle, I know, but now you know where the hole is, so just make sure not to fall in it again, OK?”
That’s exactly how I feel right now.
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