Again, I can’t tell you how much your notes of encouragement mean to me. I have to give a special shout-out to someone who took time out of their holiday on Monday to text me back off the ledge (you know who you are, thank you) and some more today, too.
Sure, I know how all of this reads. I’m embarrassed, and I realize that I sound extremely naïve when it comes to relationships that no one in their right mind would accept someone who asks them to change their ways. ESPECIALLY not a 40-year-old seasoned dating veteran!
[aaaaahhh. But notice I didn’t say “relationship” veteran, yeah?]
Truth be told, I wanted to change. For US. I wanted to be part of this great team. I foolishly thought that if I could be the one person who could make him happy with my actions, then all would be right with the world.
Not to make excuses for the guy, but he’s had so many horrible experiences happen to him in his life, it was time for someone to step up and just BE THERE for him. I struggled greatly with making changes. It was not easy. I stumbled and backslid and voiced my opinion and sometimes (much of the time) fought the changes. Maybe I should have taken it as a sign that if it was this hard to shift my actions and mindset for him, for US, then perhaps it was futile.
But I refused to give up on us. Because again, my GUT told me that this was the right thing to do that I would come out on the other side a better, stronger, more understanding human being and THAT would make us a great couple.
[Yes, I realize how this sounds and I cringe to write it and I also know this is eerily familiar to another diarist because I spent some time today reading those diary entries]
I’ve been reading my own entries again (over and over), and I do see the trend (ironic, if you know what I do for a living): we’d be blissfully happy one entry, and the next entry I’d be falling all over myself trying to make things “right” again (and even some of those entries are private) .thinking I’d screwed up AGAIN. The story is so tired. And exhausting.
I am still in panic mode. I need to see a therapist, but I hate the guy I’d been seeing a while back (the one who told me to secretly go off the pill so that I could trick EXMS into siring a childUUUGGGH!), and I feel so overwhelmed right now with other stuff.
There’s work to do here at work. And there’s work to do with canceling the wedding.
*cries and cries and cries*
I don’t want to do anything. I want to go back in time, but then I don’t. Because I think it was only a matter of time the train was eventually going to wreck. Guess I should be thrilled I won’t have to get a divorce.
“hooray,” she cried..
On the The-Sun-Will-Come-Out-Tomorrow front: I saw an old friend/Rate-a-Date (!!!) I hadn’t seen in a few years last night. He flew in to town on business for one day/evening, and told me where he was staying. Turns out his hotel is about a mile from my office. I asked him if he wanted to have a quick drink and he said yes. His flight was so delayed that I saw him for maybe ten minutes before he had to leave for his business dinner.
But the first, second, and third things he said when we saw each other?
1. WOW you look GREAT!
2. You must be doing so well!!
3. YOU ARE STUNNING!!!
And of course, I ate it up like ice-cream because I was simply and desperately craving something anything like that.
And then I told him what was going on with me. And he gave me the ol’ pep talk about how I don’t want somebody like that anyway and yada-yada. And of course, it still hurts too much to be all strong and badass and survivor-y about it. I DO NOT feel like singing Gloria Gaynor at the top of my lungs at the moment. Well, not really ever.
And then he went on to his business dinner.
Called me later to tell me that it was such a success and he was thrilled and then wanted to talk some more about the breakup, and while it was sweet of him to call and rub a little salve on the wounds and tell me again and again what a wonderful person I am and how I should never feel forced to stifle ANY part of myself and how fantastic I look, I still felt like hell when I woke this morning.
I don’t want to drag this out for months and months. I don’t want the rollercoaster-y ups and downs of trying to get back together one day and succumbing to defeat the next. I don’t want to brace myself for accidentally bumping into him at places where we hung out. I don’t EVER want to see him out with someone else.
It’s all so cliché and high-school. What the hell? It’s NOT supposed to be like this at 40, is it?
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