I’m sorry. I don’t really want to have pity parties here, but I need to get this out and I figure this is as good a place as any. I could make these entries private, and I don’t know why I’m posting this for everyone to read. I guess it’s just…I don’t know. On the one hand, I want to know that I’m not alone. On the other, I’m embarrased. But mostly, I’m still….
I’m dying. It hurts. Physically, it HURTS. Mentally, I am mush. I’m so lucky that we’re slow at work…or maybe not. If I wasn’t slow I could keep my mind on other things.
I miss him desperately. He used to call me a couple of times a day while I was working…every…single…day. I miss that sooooo much. He used to say that he was calling just to hear my voice. And to make sure I was having a good day.
To go from sweet nothings to…………..NOTHING….in the blink of an eye???? My heart can’t handle this.
Guys, there were NO SIGNS!!!!!!! Things were SOOOOOOO fantastic with us lately. I think that’s why this is taking so long to SINK IN MY BRAIN—I thought that we were DOING SO WELL!!!!!!!!!!!
I THOUGHT WE WERE FINE!! I HAD NO IDEA!! NONE! NOT ONE IOTA! ZIP! HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE REAL? HOW????
It’s like a fucking car crash. A head-on collision. I was severely injured and he walked away without a scrape.
And kept walking.
But he keeps turning around and coming back to the scene, telling me to get up and brush it off. Like it’s NO BIG DEAL! And when I tell him how much it hurts, he says, “I don’t want to be bogged down with this! The damage is done. We can’t turn back time. It’s time to get back up and move on.”
I’m almost ready to do it. I’m almost ready to tell him to stop coming back and poking the wounds. I know what I’m doing…prolonging heartbreak and allowing him to kill me. But at least when I’m finally dead I’ll be able to say that there was a REASON!!!
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