Gah, today’s therapy was harrrrrrrd. I was open and honest with regards to my side of what happened to make EXMF snap and leave me. Put it this way, I pushed his buttons for the last time, I guess. And he followed through without a breath. We are two messed up individuals.
Long story short…I was acting silly with my friends and he was embarrassed. Or pissed. No matter. I wasn’t doing anything to deliberately upset him (I’m SERIOUS!), and he took things the wrong way–I saw it as a complete misunderstanding. He saw it as utter disrespect.
That doesn’t make me any less shocked about what happened.
Ms. Together Therapist (MTT) was NOT easy on me. I was a little surprised, but then maybe not. After all, who wants a therapist who only sees one side of the issue and pets you and tells you that everything’s gonna be okay? Well, I really DO want everything to be okay, but I also obviously need to do some work. It takes two, right? We both did this. But I can only change me. And look, a string of broken long-term relationships? What does that say? Yeesh.
She then asked if I thought that EXMF would be willing to come to a session so that she could better understand our dynamics. Not to try to get back together or anything, but so that she could better see for herself what the issues are. If anything, it would help with closure, because she said we don’t have any.
I told her that I was nervous about contacting him, but that I thought that he might be willing. She even said that it doesn’t have to be right away…it could be in six months. Whatever. She just wants a chance to talk to HIM so that she can help ME with MY issues so that I NEVER experience anything like this again.
Now before you start yelling at me NOT to contact him, I’ve already sent the email. I told him that I was in some intense therapy and asked if he’d think about going to a session. Just think about it. That’s all I can do is ask.
She also asked about past relationships. I told all. She wrote it alllll down and told me that she saw a definite pattern. So again, some changing with ME is in order. I never want to experience pain like this–ever, EVER again. I’m sooooo willing to work on this, but a little scared to find out that I’M ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP!!
I’ve been holing myself up in the loft every night since Sunday. I really should get out and do something. But I’m exhausted right now. I think a tiny nap and then perhaps a run to the store? I don’t know.
I’m so sad and I’m now layering some guilt and shame on top of it. I guess this is what’s called “coming to a realization”?
I’m not putting all the blame on myself, but I’m not blaming him for everything either.
I’m so, so, so very tired.
* Okay, yeah I admit that I thought it was a little “interesting” myself that MTT would want to see him too. I don’t know exactly what she wants to find out, but perhaps she just wants to see firsthand if I really entangle myself with people with such unbearable baggage. She did say that she just can’t believe that it ended so abruptly. Yes, join MY club!
And I know I shouldn’t beat myself up over and over and over again. It truly is a waste of time. But I’m a big self beater-upper, and I’m hoping that therapy can help me figure that out too.
Good news is, I’m looking forward to making adjustments in my life…I’m not full of dread.
*REPLY EDIT* EXMF answered my email with, “Yes I would like that very much. Let me know when and how and where and I will be there.”
So. Next visit is Monday. I don’t know if he will be able to make it then. I’m waiting to hear back from him about the date. I don’t even know if I’ll be ready to see him then. But that ball is now in motion and here we go.
I hope this is the right thing to do.
Meanwhile, I have to get my ass out of the house besides to go to work and then to therapy. This is NOT good.
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