I am writing because I have nothing left to do with my fingers. Yes, there are some things I could be doing here at work, but today is another struggle. I am leaving at noon to go with my boss to set something up on location, so that will be good.
I keep getting emails from all these wedding services and websites: theknot.com, Williams and Sonoma gift registry, bridal magazines, etc. etc. etc…
Bluh.
I got a call last night while I was out with Cindy. I didn’t check my phone until I was driving home. It was from the store I’d ordered EXMS’s daughter’s Jr. Bridesmaid dress. She was going to be dressed identically to Best Bud–“golden dress” she would say (in German). What do I do with that?
Today is Gretchen’s (EXMS’s daughter) birthday. She turns 10 today. Before the sudden break-up, EXMS and I put together a birthday package. Inside the card, EXMS pasted a photo of the both of us hugging each other, and we wrote a joint note…I also drew a little picture. I’m so sad. Not only is EXMS out of my life, but as much as I grappled with the thought of being a step-mommy, I feel so cheated out of that experience too!!!
I was SO PREPARED! I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I was READY! I feel cheated. Over and over.
I had a dream about Gretchen last night. In my dream, she was a beautiful (stunningly gorgeous) adult. She was speaking English (no accent), and we were sharing a special moment together. We had a bond…a loving bond, and it was like we’d spent many years together. This grief is simply blowing my MIND.
And so now my mind races to what’s going to happen when the kids are here for the summer? Is EXMS going to be dating around? Will he have found someone (already? I wouldn’t put it past him) to “hang out” with them? What will the kids think? Is he going to introduce them to all kinds of women during the next few visits? How does that work? What does that do to the kids?
* edit: EXMS can’t make it to the therapy session on Monday. I had a feeling. You know..he said basically, you tell me when and where and I’ll be there. Yeah, right. Another let down. He did give me alternate dates with which to work, but asked me to let him know ASAP. I’m sure it’s so he can shuffle his match.com dates around.
*sigh*
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