I’m procrastinating at work. Coming down with a cold. Presentation tomorrow and I just can’t get into it.
It’s now been well over a month since the breakup, and I’m not feeling any better. In fact, I’m feeling worse. I don’t want to come on here and cry every single day. I thought it would make me feel better to pour my heart out here. Creating a grateful list every day was next to impossible and only made me sadder.
I am still so overcome with grief that I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from this. That thought scares me more than possibly the breakup itself. I think it means that I put my everything into this. This is what happens when you give fully of yourself? The love of your life suddenly and unexpectedly erases himself? And pretends like the last two years never even existed? Eternal Sunshine? What the hell?
I fill my spare hours with fluff. The TV is usually on, but I haven’t watched anything since he left. I’m frustrated that I’m not letting this whole breakup time be a “wonderful opportunity” to get to know myself and figure out what it is that I REALLY want and spiritually grow, yada. If one more person promises me that I will come out of this EVEN BETTER!!! I will shoot him or her in the face, point blank. Eff YOU!
In fact, I’ve become so much worse. I can’t believe I’m going to admit this because I’m horrified, but I started smoking again. I sit in front of the window on a little bench and blow smoke out into the atmosphere. I watch the cars go by and think about him driving by. I still sit in disbelief. I sometimes drink a little bubbly, but never enough to get drunk. Funny, huh? He thought I had a drinking problem, yet I can’t drink enough to barely get a buzz anymore.
I haven’t touched a single thing in the loft since he moved out. I haven’t cleaned either. There’s a light film of dust and cat hair covering most surfaces. Oh, I did clean the toilet this morning, so check. But he left pictures of us…pictures of us with the kids… he shifted things around, but I can’t bring myself to shift anything back or move things around in a way that pleases me.
Because NOTHING pleases me right now. I’m sorry about this entry. But I’m just feeling the need to record this. Kinda like an anti-progress report.
There’s more, but I can’t seem to get it out right now.
The Bonnaroo story is pretty good, but I don’t have the energy. I hope to write it down soon.
And I still love my friends. They are still calling and making sure that I’m talking, but I’m not sure how long that lasts. I’m sure it’s a matter of time before this becomes too much of a weight and they will be thinking, “get over yourself” in their minds.
Again, this is not a pity party…it is my LIFE right now and I can’t fake and pretend my way out of this one.
Oh, he did take his profile off of match.com.
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