Weekend Blubbering in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Sad day, but what day isn’t lately? Yesterday was sad too, but at least I had friends around in the evening.

Yesterday morning I signed up to get a free 30-day pass at a new gym since I let my other gym membership lapse and I’m in need of some new routines. So the new gym is within a couple of miles from me, and I had it mapped out, so I decided to take a run to the new gym and then see if I could get a little workout in while I was there.

I got LOST downtown on the way to the gym! I thought I knew where I was going, but I didn’t quite get so far. I was also listening to a This American Life podcast on my ipod, and it was so severely depressing that not only did I get lost, but I CRIED while I was wandering around! See, I’ve been listening to talk shows on my ipod for the specific reason that I wouldn’t get all choked up to Annie Lennox’s “Why” or Beck’s “Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometime”, but have you been listening to This American Life lately? Nothing but grief and sorrow.

So I was walking around downtown, lost and sobbing (but trying to hide it), and I came across this chapel that I hadn’t seen in years and years. It’s a beautiful little chapel that has this cool stained glass in a spiral on the ceiling. I tried the doors and it was open (even though the sign said the place was closed), and I walked into the center and looked up at the stained glass and let the tears flow down my cheeks for a little while.

I kept imagining that by now EXMS was already in NYC, getting all prepared to meet his kids at the hotel where their grandparents would be bringing them. I selfishly cried for the loss of those kids…the children who were to be family.

I went outside and gave up on trying to find the gym at that point (turns out, I’d missed it by a couple of blocks) and walked the rest of the way home. I should have been running, but it just wasn’t in me. Plus, it is hotter than hell here lately.

When I got home I had what I can only imagine was a migraine headache. I’ve never experienced a migraine, but I was dizzy and nauseous so I fell asleep on the couch for a while. And then moved to the bed for another while. I slept and slept like a very sick person…until I got a text from some neighbors to tell me that they were hanging out by the pool.

So I pulled my sick head together and went to the pool and hung out for a while with Dave and Donna and some other neighbors. They wanted me to hang longer, but I’d (luckily) gotten a really nice invitation from TMG to attend a party on the rooftop of his building (which is on the other side of downtown from me) and I was actually looking forward to that. [sidebar: TMG knows that I want NOTHING romantic with him and he is being really respectful of that lately]

Got ready and headed over to his place. Little did I know (but I really should have known) that his kids were going to be there. Now, I don’t really know TMG very well, but I’ve heard lots of stories about his kids and I understand that they’ve heard lots of stories about me too…which I find a little odd, but whatever.

Bottom line, it was hard to meet them yesterday for the simple fact that I was originally supposed to be hanging with EXMS’s kids. But I have to say, those kids are super-duper cool. TMG has three kids: a set of boy/girl twins and another little boy—slightly older than EXMS’s daughter and son. Funny too, they are ½ French (as opposed to EXMS’s ½ German kids)…weird, no? But seriously so amazing—especially the daughter, who took to me like candy! She offered me something to drink and complemented me on every last bit of my outfit and we talked about fashion and girlfriends and on and on! Cooler than cool!

Still, oh so hard on my heart.

Then TMG took me to dinner (a neighbor was hanging with the kids), and we shot the shit over a pizza and my glass of wine (TMG does not drink and I really like that about him), and it was really soothing to my soul. I am thankful for his friendship. We’ve talked at length about where I am in this ugly, stupid healing process, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if he weren’t showering me with attention and supportive texts and phone calls and friendship. He is no longer looking at me with “those” eyes, and I’m feeling a lot more comfortable around him.

Then he took me to his rooftop party. Cool view of downtown from the opposite side. Kinda cool friends…lots of people drunk already (I think it was like 11:30 by the time we got up there). I talked to a few peeps, but then started feeling bluh—again. That’s where TMG came to my rescue again and I told him I wanted to go home.

Got home a little before 2am, and as I was walking into the building I ran into Dave, my neighbor I’d been hanging with earlier. He “forced” me to have a last-call drink at the bar that’s in our building. After a little arm-twist I was standing at the bar, chugging a beer and more arm-twisting and we closed the place and were headed to another neighbor’s place.

But lo, by 3am I was soooooo over it. I am NOT the party girl I used to be and I was annoyed and sad and UGH!!

At least I crashed HARD and didn’t even have the energy to cry myself to sleep.

This morning, my parents met me at church because they’d been in town yesterday at a party and spent the night at friends of theirs. Then we went to brunch and for some reason, I just let myself cry and cry during our meal, and they let me. And they soothed me too and told me how it wasn’t my fault over and over and over and that it’s going to take time and everything that I’ve been hearing here too. It means so much coming from them because they can be hard on me sometimes. Not harsh and not hurtful, just hard if I’m being unreasonable. And now I really do know that I’m not being unreasonable.