My Humps in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I’ve started four entries since I left for New York and nothing is complete. Got back from my trip last night. Yesterday was a really hard day because, well, I guess because yet another BIG event that EXMS and I had planned for (picking up the kids in NYC and taking them to really cool places before bringing them back here) has come and gone and I am O-U-T of the whole picture.

My grief and sadness now come in unbearable waves. I get teary-eyed in public. With my boss…with friends…in front of strangers. I’m able to pull it back enough to make myself presentable, but sometimes I slip back inside of myself and can’t stop the tears. For example, when I’m on a plane with my headphones on…sure there are people all around, yet I wrap my little throw around me (because I’m always cold on airplanes) and it’s like a little protective shell and I feel like it’s okay to quietly weep. Of course, I sniffle and then get embarrassed because I realize that everyone knows I’m a pile of shaky jello. But oh well.

I bought a meditation CD that is supposed to help me relax and release and let go, hoping it would be something like [lakeland]’s successful hypnosis treatment. I know it’s not the same, but I’m just not sure that I can even be hypnotized and I’m also not sure of who I would even go to around here. It does help me to relax, that’s for sure. Even on an airplane. The CD says that it should be listened to for 21 consecutive days so that a habit will form, but I’ve already screwed it up a little bit. Oh well, still can’t hurt to keep listening. I’m serious, I’m grasping for relief anywhere and everywhere I can.

There was an article in this month’s O magazine about regret and how to overcome mistakes/accidents/wrong decisions in your life. In it, the author lists steps you can take to overcome these regrets. One of the main steps to take is to separate the sadness from the anger and that denying either of these components can keep you stuck in bitter, unproductive regret.

I have the sadness covered, but I have yet to get angry. And I think that’s where I’m stuck. There’s an exercise in the article about writing it all out: all of the sadness and ALL of the anger. I did my “sad” list on the plane, but I have yet to do my “angry” list. I want to do that this weekend. I hope it helps. You know I’ll post.

I still can’t stop playing scenarios over and over in my head. I know I said in an earlier entry that I accept what has happened, but if I’m completely truthful with myself, I think I’m STILL in shock, and that worries me. I just wonder if it’s going to take longer than what’s normal. I hoping that once I get over the HUGE HUMPS…the dates of things we’d made plans for (August 8th = The Wedding; week of Thanksgiving = The Honeymoon Cruise), then my path will be cleared. I hope. I hope. I truly hope.

I need advice. It’s been two months and a week. I am still a blubbering mess. Is that too long? Should I be hoisting myself up by my bootstraps and moving on instead of doing a half-assed job of healing myself through meditation and writing exercises and therapy? I don’t need a “there-there, honey”, I need your honest opinion. I KNOW these things take time and everyone does it a little differently, but I’m scared—really scared of becoming a bitter, wretched person. There is a lot of guilt piling up on top of this.