Double Dose in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

I’m sucking at updating lately. The dumb thing is, I know that writing helps me get things out and also helps to put things in perspective. AND it just plain makes me feel better. To me, it’s almost like medicine. So why am I not writing more lately? When I need it the most?

I don’t know. Same old reasons, I guess. A bit of guilt for still feeling so low. A bit of hanging on to the past…not moving forward…not moving THROUGH this. Even though I am. At least I’m doing the best I can.

Speaking of medicine, I cried to my mom last night, and she’s worried about me. She says its time to move on and that perhaps a little of the meds might help. Here’s something kinda weird: my dad is on anti-depressants…but not for depression. He went to the doc one day saying he didn’t have any energy to do anything. He wasn’t motivated to get up and go. He wasn’t waking up refreshed. So the dr. put him on something..I can’t remember what, but anyway, the guy is up and about and has a million projects going on! He’s practically remodeled their whole house. He’s active in a bunch of different community groups. He’s feeling great and looking good too. My mom thinks I should try it for a little while—until I get over the hump.

I’m still scared and not really keen on the idea, but I look at my dad and think, wow.

BUT. I’ve decided to try something else first. I’m writing this down so I will actually follow through: I’m going to kick-start my workout regimen AND finally infuse some yoga into my life. I’m going to give myself a few weeks of this, and if I STILL feel like shit ALL THE DAMN TIME, then…THEN I will start taking the stuff that the doctor gave me (she gave me samples of…something…again I can’t think of the names of this stuff—perhaps purposely).

And I also think that upping my writing might help too. I have done a LOT of reading back in my diary, and it’s been really interesting to see and remember all the stuff that was going on with me when EXMS and I were together. Honestly, I was hoping that it would be the kick to my head to start healing and moving on, and sometimes it really does motivate me to get un-stuck.

But then, something happens to bring me right back to the despair pit. And two things have happened during the past few days that have done just that:

1. Email from LDL: Yes, my EX-ex-boyfriend. See, he and I had talked at pretty great length about my breakup with EXMS. I don’t know why I ran to him immediately. I guess perhaps it was because he was someone who knew me in the same way that EXMS does/did and might be able to give me some perspective on what happened. Basically, we talked on the phone a few times…he was sweet and very comforting and told me how awesome I am and how hard I was to get over, and yada. LDL has a serious girlfriend now, and she is an Olympic athlete, so he went to China to support her. As soon as he got back, he sent me an email that blew me away. Basically, he did a 180. Basically, he ripped me to shreds…I’m not going to get into specifics, but let’s just say that he made it clear that he thought that I was the one who blew it and he was kinda like…NO WONDER EXMS left you!! That poor guy…I’m sure it took a lot of strength for him to walk out that door. And that I did so many things to screw it all up. He ended the email by saying that he wasn’t writing it out of spite for me but out of “friendship and love”.

2. Email from EXMS: We hadn’t been communicating at all in the last two months, but I needed to get all the loose ends tied up, such as some financial obligations regarding wedding deposits, etc. and I needed to get keys back and stuff, so I’d sent him an email telling him this. He wrote back with the time he expected to bring everything by, and that was fine. But then he followed with an email that said he missed me terribly and that he was so sorry for the way things turned out. He also said that he knows now that I WAS a good partner for him (he sees this now, wasn’t sure before)…and that he measures everything (read: all the girls he’s dating) against me. He then went on to say that I will make “someone so very happy” and that he’ll always treasure the time we spent together.

I’m not waiting for the third thing to come along, these two emails were reason enough for more anxiety attacks and thousands and thousands more tears. TMG tells me over and over again that putting energy into letting these things get to me is so counterproductive and keeping me from healing. Am I really holding on? Or do I have reason to let these things break me down again?

Don’t answer. I know this one.

(but you can still leave me notes…I thrive on them, you know).