OK. Decision made. Im NOT going the meds route unless (UNLESS!) I spiral into some kind of freakish depression where I dont want to get out of bed or talk to people or if I cant stop crying at some point or I stop trying to make myself look presentable or something.
Bottom line is, the lows feel so very, very low but I can usually snap myself out of that state after a while. I mean, its hard. Every morning I do have to drag myself out of bed, where before, with EXMS, I was jumping out of bed long before dawn to get a good 5 miles in on the treadmill, take a shower, fix him a special coffee, wake him up with kisses, etc. Now, well yeah. The tears still come every morning, and usually every afternoon around a certain time, and at some point at night too. Those are the lows.
But the highs? Well, they dont happen very often, but when they do
Something happened that I dont want to write about for fear of jinxing. But its such an amazing story that I want to write it somewhere. I wonder if Id jinx it if I wrote a private entry?
Its one of the highest highs Ive felt in a long time. At least in the last few months. But see what it comes in contrast with? I think thats why it feels so amazing and strong. Its probably nothing, but its a glimmer of something that could possibly be, and its helping me to know that all is not lost just because I lost my fiance and the future we were making together.
And no, the high has nothing to do with TMG, although TMG is still on the scene sending witty and sweet texts, keeping me smiling, taking me out to dinner and to the movies and letting me hang with his kids. I cant imagine the place Id be in if it werent for him. No, no romance, thank you.
Ive managed to stay VERY busy lately, and thats a good thing. Ive been staying away from my half-empty loft going home to feed the cat, shower, sleep, do laundry, etc. But thats about it. Ive found that I can schedule friends and activities every single night without any problem. I am grateful.
I even went to a new class at the gym last night, and found out that theres a yoga class RIGHT after, so next time I can go for two hours: one hour cardio, one hour yoga. Perfect.
My friends have been pretty much at my beck and call. Again, so very grateful. Tonight I get to see the girl who set up the Napa trip as shes in town again for her work project. Tomorrow I get to see Matt again (we are talking about making a GIANT painting for the loftsomething very vibrant and colorful!!) AND I get to see Maddy, his daughter. Havent seen her in months and months and months. But Im nervous because I have no plans for this holiday weekend. Must figure out something soon
Wait! I do have a party at Marcis.
Anyway. I guess what Im saying is, there are things going on. Im still extremely sad and blue, but my world is no longer completely in a shambles. And I just figured that out as I wrote this, so see? Writing DOES help, doesnt it?
And with that, Im off to get a little gift for my friend and a small dinner and then cocktails. Then home, glorious sleep and another day down!
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