Just Landed in Kopenhagen in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

On a cramped plane bound for Copenhagen (via Frankfurt), I tap this out. This plane is freezing. And I mean teeth rattling frozen. Some nice man gave me his extra blanket, so I have three Lufthansa blankets and one crochet shawl that my mother gave me. Seriously, I can barely get my fingers to move across this keyboard.

Trip is going to be interesting. Boss is sick (the good one, not Boss Party Pants), and Crazy BPP is going to be meeting up with us in Copenhagen. Boss is a little grumpy, which is not her nature. I’m sure BPP is drunk, which IS her nature.

EXMS drove me to the airport. Now before you go screaming at me, let me explain. Little by little, EXMS has been knocking on my door (figuratively, with emails and texts), and I’ve opened the door a crack, simply because I was so severely messed up in my blackness…feeling like it was the end of the world. And the only thing that seems to work at stopping the bleeding is EXMS. Don’t get me wrong, we are NOT together. We are just talking. And he offered to take me to the airport, and that was always one of the most special things we’d do. It was a routine that we have down quite well.

We talked. Neither one of us really knows what we want out of this right now. At first, EXMS wanted to “try again”, but I quickly nipped that in the bud by telling him that he needs to figure out what he did before I’d consider getting back together with him. So he’s going to Linda, the therapist who saw me first and then both of us together, and now she’s going to see him separately as well. Ultimately, she’s a marriage counselor, so she goes the “let’s stay together” route. But in our case, she advised me very strongly that EXMS needs to do a LOT of work before I should consider getting back together.

And everyone else in my life (this includes YOU) has also advised me strongly, too. Believe me, I take it to heart. We are NOT going to be together unless huge shifts are made (mostly on his part), and even THEN, I’m skeptical.

And the thing that makes it all the much worse, is that now that he’s chipped and chipped through the rock and reached a finger through that hole, he still isn’t sure that it’s ME he wants to be with. And frankly, I’m not sure if it’s him I want to be with. After all, YOU’VE said it quite simply….he’ll leave me in an instant, go out to find out if there’s something better out there, and when he’s done sniffing and touching, he’ll come home. Would this happen over and over and over? Is it worth it to give it one more try to find out?

Most would say no, NO, NOOOOOO!! And I lean heavily in that direction too. So. I don’t know if a few weeks of traveling with do the trick or if it will end up finally closing the book. Guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Lots to consider in the meantime. More to write about TMG, and the new neighbor, Tony the Tiger! I can’t wait to tell those stories. OH…and also the story of what happened in NY after [CN] dropped me off at my hotel last Tuesday night!

And I hope to get involved with maybe a LITTLE adventure here in Europe. I’m traveling to the following cities in the next few days: Copenhagen, London, Paris, and Milan, in that order. So follow along…that is, if I can keep up with writing in here.

Oh and seriously, I do not mind if you blast me in regards to EXMS. Seriously, I need all of the insight I can get on this matter. After all, it really IS a matter of life and death…because with him, I was certainly in it for life.

Hopefully I’ll be able to get to my hotel and post this today. If not, perhaps tomorrow. Until then, Auf Wiedersehen!