Oh crap, another entry about him…
The notes reassure me that EXMS is simply not right (for me anyway), but all I’m really left with now is the harsh realization that I’m single once again. I’m back to square one in the love department. I thought those days were over. And sure, it’s really easy to tell me a couple of things:
1. Pick yourself up and get back out there
2. Take time out to figure out who you are and what you want
And neither of these options are good ones. I don’t want to get back out there, and I don’t want to take time. I want to be where I was, two days before EXMS left. Do you remember? I was writing entries about how great things were, how much stuff we’d worked through, and how excited I was to be getting married. I had never felt so good or so sure about the future.
I guess that’s what I get for being content.
Yes. I am feeling sorry for myself. Every morning, I wake to an empty bed, again and again. And I don’t want to see anyone there when I wake up, but the man I was supposed to marry. I know now that it wasn’t right and it wouldn’t have worked, but I’m still stuck on those last few days when he was telling me how very happy he was and how excited HE was to have me as his wife, the future mother of his baby, his family.
I’d wake him with coffee, and he’d hug me good morning. Now I wake with a severe start and a realization that he’s not there (it used to shock me awake, now it’s just like a dull blow to the gut).
I long for touch, but I long for familiar touch, not the touch of a stranger. One that knows exactly what to do and where to go. And I want to be able to touch the same way. I want a loving touch, not a lusty one.
I miss him so much. I don’t care right now what a fucked-up human being he may be. I simply miss him desperately.
I am letting him go, but not easily. Nothing about “us” ever came easy…why should letting go be any different?
*edit* But just be sure, as I’m writing it here: I am resolved. It is truly over. There is NOTHING that he could do that would bring me back to him. I had marked this entry private for a minute, but no…I’m not even going to make this faves-only. This one is out there for the world to see. I know I’m not the strongest right now, but I AM strong enough to not let the one who hurt me not once, not twice, but three times (!!!) back in to do it again. Fuck that.
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