I know this situation is getting really old and tiresome, but that confrontation with EXMS has thrown me back into the depths of despair. And now that I really don’t have any sliver of hope to cling to with regards to the possibility of a relationship with someone else (at the moment), it especially hurts.
I’m pretty sure he got the message with my blow-off and my email, but that’s not even the point.
Regardless of what he’s done to me, just the sight of him…hearing his voice…looking him in the eye, the tears and the nervousness of our meeting has set me back to square one–AGAIN!!
Okay, maybe not quite square one because that was pretty much shock. I was numb. Now it’s the ripping apart of the fresh wounds that were just barely starting to heal. And that part just plain HURTS.
I guess it just shows me that he has no respect for me or my feelings. It’s always what HE wants and what HE needs and what will keep HIM from being lonely, right? Do you think that I would EVER dare confront him–especially knowing that he was dating someone (or not knowing at all)? What kind of person does that?
Not only that. It makes me feel like the bad guy–AGAIN! I’m ALWAYS the bad guy with him:
1. I made him leave me at that party because I wasn’t acting the way he wanted me to.
2. I made him break our engagement because I couldn’t consistently behave correctly.
3. I made him move out of the loft because I would make it miserable for him if he stayed any longer.
4. I made him argue with me when were were talking about getting back together the first time.
5. I made him keep the kids away from me all summer because I didn’t call when I was supposed to (loooong story, that one).
6. I made him run into the arms (and bed) of another woman because I didn’t act like I really wanted to get back together.
And NOW….
7. I kept us from getting back together because I didn’t go running back to his open arms when HE wanted me to for the THIRD time in as many months.
Yes, this is how he sees it. And I know that it shouldn’t bother me like it does, but it does.
Please, please. I just wish there was a pill I could take that would make me just…
ALL TOGETHER NOW….
let goooooooooooo.
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