Time to shape up. Tomorrow is the beginning of NOJOMO, and not only am I going to need to get myself back in writing shape, I think its a great time to get the rest of my shit together, too.
Heres an update on the current state of my un-union:
Living Space: A shambles. Seriously, I have been living like a bachelor for over 5 months now. Thats one of the things that I miss sooooo much about EXMS. He was there and he was very, very neat and clean. What I mean is, because he had such pride in our living space, so did I. I respected the fact that he liked things in order, so I did my best to stay neat and orderly. And I LOVED it. I loved having a beautiful, neat, clean living space. I dont do so well on my own. Why is that? Someone suggested to me that its because Im keeping people from getting too close and into my space. It makes sense, but I dont know if its really that or if its just laziness.
Work: Must shape up here, too. I have been putting in long hours, but thats simply to get my head above water. Times are tough, and nerves are on edge. My boss is NOT in a good mood most of the time lately. I have to work on anticipating her needs while covering my own ass. Its not easy when her needs keep changing, but I suppose Im not doing my best right now. It doesnt help that I have to leave early every so often to go to f*cking therapy.
Therapy: I guess its going OK. Im not sure. My therapist was the one who wanted to work with BOTH me and EXMS. I told her no. And then she agreed. I told her yesterday that EXMS had been in contact with me, and she was not surprised. I know shed had a phone conversation with him because she told me that she referred him to another therapist. I think that put me at top of mind with him, and well, I feel like Im floundering and not healing. But how can I heal if he keeps coming back? Her advice? Avoid him. Call HER whenever I hear from EXMS. WTF.
Love Life: Blows. I cant stop thinking about EXMS. Had a dream about him last night and woke in tears. Basically, we were on a trip (probably Germany), and we were in school or something (we were in younger bodies). And we knew that we were going to have to say goodbye to each other for a long time
possibly forever. We knew that our goodbye would have to be in secret, so we met in a secret location. I dont know where it was, but I knew that it was risky to be there. Like we would get caught or something. And every time we tried to even touch each other, something or someone would interrupt us. And then it was time to go. We boarded a boat together, and we kept looking at each other, trying desperately to find a moment together, but we had to pretend like we didnt know each other. The boat was rocking and kept turning around and we didnt know where it was going. It was supposed to take me to the airport, but I had a feeling I was going to miss my flight. People kept taking him away (to have conversations with him or something), but he kept trying to come back so we could just have a SECOND together
and it got gray and murky and I woke up.
Bottom line, my love life does not exist, except for the mourning of my love life. I desperately want to move on, but I keep getting sucked back into sadness. Doesnt help when I dont have anything on the horizon or in the wings. I know that this is a great time for self-reflection and all that bullshit. And I will try. Maybe writing an entry a day will help. But its just all so frustrating right now. And I dont have a glimmer of hope except for this tiny, tiny thread of unrealistic and very top secret fantasy of getting back with EXMS. Dont drill me for that. As sick as it is, it IS what it is. I know it wont work, and I know its simply fantasy. So sue me.
Body: Hates me right now. It has something to do with being lethargic about everything in my life right now. And believe me, the more disgusted I get with myself the more lethargic I become. This MUST and WILL change, as OD is my witness. Just let me make it past this Halloween hump. Another thing I miss about EXMShe was a great motivator. Dont yell at me! I know that my life did not hinge on him, but he really WAS a great source of my inspiration. God, this is pathetic. I am embarrassed, and Im going to keep this entry like this so I can look back and read how pathetic I was during this time. I truly need a new source of inspiration, dont I? I suppose the motivator might be something like
if I ever want to get naked in front of someone else, Im going to have to do something to whip myself back into shape. And just think: Costa Rica is right around the corner! I have to squeeze myself into a swimsuit for frig sake. Halloween HUMP, my ASS! Grrrrumble.
OK. Thats all I have time for. Right now, I have to bust my hump down to the damn Halloween costume store on my lunch break because I waited until the last fucking minute to get my act together (see a trend here?). Party tonight. Im actually dreading it, but I suppose its better than lethargically wallowing around in my bachelor pad and crying, eh?
Wow. Lots to work through. Looking on the bright side, I guess that give me a lot to write about!
See you @ NOJOMO!
Loading comments...