Okay, alright. Im going to write a real entry with substance (I hope) today. Honestly, I do like writing an entry a day, but some days its hard to take seriously or get real thoughts out.
I suppose it would have been better to do a grateful list. And I have heard about the scientific proof that you can adjust your way of thinking by writing a grateful list every day. And they say in order to really reap the benefits, you should do it every day. Im going to try to make a list every day going forward. Lets see if I can! Gotta love a challenge, and this ones not too hard. I mean, if Im going to write an entry a day anyway, right?
ANYWAY!
I wasnt beating myself up over something as simple as writing an entry yesterday. Theres more to that story. It has to do with how to figure out how to take care of myself. And I thought that I was doing that by surrounding myself with my friends and keeping myself busy doing fun stuff. But its more than that and its up to me to figure alllllll that stuff out.
Ive been struggling at work. I had a mid-year review that was far less than stellar. I really need to put a lot more focus on work, and believe me, Ive done LOTS of thinking about how to improve, and yet havent been able to actually ACT upon it. I have ideas that I dont see to fruition. Hundreds of them! There are reasons for this, and I know that I have to get super-duper aggressive (which, if you know me in real life, is not my personality .but it is part of my gig). Thats all there is to it. Its time for a true action plan. A real one. One that I MUST act upon.
And of course, I continue to struggle with love. Why cant I be more like my new hero [Mountain Girl] and just juggle a bunch o guys? Perhaps because I beat myself up too much, hmmmm?? EXMS continues to haunt and even pull the heartstrings.
Meanwhile, I ran into Anthony on Sunday, quite by accident. This was the first time Id seen him since the weird event (that I still havent really told you aboutarrrggh, Im so behind!). I was coming in from a run, walking down a long hallway to the back entrance of the lofts and he was walking towards me. The lighting was positioned in such a way that I could only make out his silhouette. And I was thinking to myself, that silhouette is fiiiiinne. Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered it was Anthony. And I dont know if he recognized me either because my hair was in a pony tail and all pulled back and I was kinda, um, glistening from the run. We had an awkward hello, shaky hug, dumb conversation, and then goodbye.
I havent heard from him since. He looked so good and was really very nice and friendly (even with the awkwardness). I thought about sending him a friendly text, but nah.
And even TMG has backed way off. I know I have wishy-washed my way around having a love connection with him, and Ive decided that I just cant do it. As much as I adore and bask in his attention and gifts and beautiful sentiments, I am having chemistry issues with him. And he knows this. And hes actually gotten mad at me because hes so frustrated with me. Did I lead him on? Ive even asked him that. And the answer is always no. But see, I beat myself up.
On the home front, I did go out and buy that duvet cover and new pillows and shams. Made a nice bed, so thats one step. More to follow.
Oh and also, I bought a very GREEN rain jacket for the Costa Rican rainforest.
And now, GRATEFUL:
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