On Coming Clean in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

(among other things)

Well hello there! I’m taking a break from today’s project: cleaning out my clothes closet! Oh man, what a JOB! I have a large walk-in (make that two large walk-ins now that EXMS is gone—I’m using his former closet as storage and moving goods from one closet to another). This is a task that is no fun and I’ve procrastinated long enough. And I’m still not going to be able to make it pristine. I’m just going to make it good enough.

Tonight I’m meeting my friend and co-worker Cindy out for dinner and drinks. I’m looking forward to it as I’ve been a hermit for two days now (since leaving Mom and Dad’s). I’ve been all….ugh.

I’ve been keeping secrets. You know what they are, but I’ve just been so reluctant to write about it or tell anyone about it (except for my therapist…who…well, I don’t know how much progress I’m actually making).

Bottom line is, EXMS really got to me with his confrontation and his tears and his emails and his sweet-talking. GAH!! I’m a FOOL! I’m such a sucker for all that shit. I mean, ego in need of stroking, much? That man is goooooood at this. And I’m still just weak enough to let him peel the skin right back. Ick! ICK!!!

So the good news for right now is, he’s in Germany now. He’s been gone since Sunday, and he will be there another week.

What I found out since he’s been gone: he was still seeing his cute little blonde during the time he came crawling back to me. It’s almost like he left evidence of this for me to find. He could STILL be seeing her for all I know, but I don’t know that for sure…and I don’t know if it matters anyway.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do when he comes back. Here’s how good he is with all of this (and what a chump I let myself be): I have his car in my possession. I drove him and his friend to the airport in his car. This means that I have to pick him (and friend) up when he comes back. Oh sure, I could enlist someone to help me out of this mess—someone has already given me that advice. But I don’t really want to let on that I know about her right now.

BLAH! I wish I HATED the guy. How can it be that he’s done ALL of this bullshit and I still find myself tangled up in this web? Am I completely HANDICAPPED when it comes to love? Obviously, yes.

(There. I answered my own question so you don’t have to.)

OK. More on that later, I’m sure.

I need to get everything in order for New Year’s Eve. It’s going to be super low-key, but I have an old friend I’ve been talking to about things. Let’s call him JP. He’s going through a divorce, and he and I have even talked about trying to get together (though I was able to keep his pretty aggressive moves at bay…I can only handle one aggressor at a time, I guess).

Anyway, we’ve talked several times and it appears that we kind of want different things out of a relationship at this point (plus, he’s really in the thick of his divorce, and I can’t deal with that right now). SO. I finally agreed to a visit from him (he lives approx. 5 hours from here) for NYE because he’s bringing a friend. A friend he thinks I’ll really hit it off with. I have no idea what this guy looks or acts like, but if JP says he’s good looking, successful, funny, etc., then I have no choice but to believe him (simply because JP himself is all of the above, and I’m just gonna go by the it-takes-one-to-know-one theory).

Well! So they’re coming here and they want to go to dinner and I just offered to have a small “thing” at my place and there you have it! My place is soooo not party-ready, but I suppose that’s as good a motivation as I need. And I’m looking forward to it. It will be fine. Not perfect (again, not going for perfection any more…simply good enough makes me happy at this point).

Well. It felt good to get that out. I really should do it more often. I hate keeping this stuff inside, but sometimes I don’t feel like barfing it out until I’m ready. I know, I’m a mess. What’s new?

OK. Time to finish the closet organizing and get ready for din-din.