Still struggling to break out. I suppose that yes, this is a process. Even my therapist says that. And if I think about it, getting LDL out of my life (relationship before EXMS) was a process as well–one that took years. And if I think REALLY hard about it, even LDL is not completely out of my life, my thoughts, my dreams. And sometimes even my emails. You know, he was one of the first people I contacted when EXMS left.
So, if you know that about me, you know that it is extremely difficult for me to fall out of love. And honestly, I dont know what is betterto not care or to care too much? As painful as it is, I almost embrace these strong, STRONG feelings because they make me feel human and alive. The opposite? Not caring or pretending like I dont or getting over it quickly? It doesnt even compute. But I have to realize that not everyone (especially not EXMS) feels things the way I do. I keep imagining him hurting in the same way that I do, but in reality, its probably completely different for him.
I havent heard from EXMS in a couple of days. I know hes visiting his grandmother in a small town and pretty sure he doesnt have readily accessible internet, and thats fine. It gives me a chance to breathe and try to quickly gain perspective. But I also know that a few days doesnt really change a whole lot.
I have also been creepily facebook stalking and that is just plain embarrassing. I already knew her first name, but Ive now found her last name and heres the thing that pisses me off to no end: shes wearing EXMSs hat in her profile picture. The one that he bought for OUR Germany trip last year. The one that he used to plop on my head to take silly pictures. I envision him doing the exact same thing with herand its obvious that he did because there she is with that fucking HAT, smirking at me on facebook.
In retaliation, Ive changed MY profile picture to one with that same fucking hat, smirking right back at her (for those of you with access to my facebook, puh-lease dont give me shit on there, OK? Leave it here).
GOD! This is stupid and I know my energy is so much better spent on more creative things more healing things. Imagine the things I could be accomplishing instead of focusing my attention on this bullshit. This is terribly embarrassing for me, but I just feel like I need to write about it. I find that I benefit from being able to come back to these pages later (sometimes years later) to use as a progress barometer.
I know Im not back at ground zero, but its obvious that Ive slipped a bit. Okay, a bit more than a bit. I am 41 years old, and I feel like I’m back in high school or quite possibly junior high. Please don’t judge, just let me work through this.
OK. Judge if you want, I know you are anyway.
(oh, one more thing: I don’t think she will even see my profile pic…I don’t think she really cares about who I am. This is all for me and has nothing to do with getting back at her. EXMS won’t see my profile pic either because he is blocked from my facebook, so he can’t see anything unless he sneakily goes around the system and I don’t think he even gives a rat’s ass enough to do that, know what I mean?)
Enough about that. Moving on
Going running. Back soon.
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