So, it’s an almost work-free weekend for me! This is the first weekend since….January (?) that I haven’t gone into the office or have been on a work trip. But I have to take that back because I leave for another trip tomorrow, and there goes half my Sunday (so really, 25% of the weekend will be spent on work….which I suppose is better than 75%, right?).
I thought my presentation went well. My teams responded positively, and I fielded questions appropriately. But of course, during the whole thing I could see my boss in the back taking notes, notes and more notes. And I went to her during a break to get her critique. It happens every, single time. She nitpicks over fucking INFLECTION. Or a FACIAL GESTURE! And it wasn’t just me. She was giving me grief about my design partner who presented after me…like I was supposed to have control over what the other presenters said! And yes, we collaborated on this presentation, but I can’t dictate/determine every single WORD that comes out of someone else’s mouth. I’m beyond frustrated. And all of this was for a GOOD meeting! Imagine a bad one??
This 60-day thing is not going well. I am not being very diligent with my job search. I guess it’s because I’m not sure what I want to do with my life at this point. Not a very good time to be contemplating careers, eh?
Oh, so BPP? She’s a freak. Always has been, but now? Super-duper freak. She won’t tell anyone that she went to rehab…she did have some plastic surgery or whatnot and got a flattering haircut, so she looks better physically. But she goes OFF on these rampages and everyone gets the brunt. She came to me because she was looking for three other people (my boss, her counterpart and someone else) and couldn’t find them, so she left ME the message about how she was going to be “goddamn pissed off!” if they didn’t attend this particular meeting and that I needed to give them the message. She was red-faced and so loud that after she left, a big-wig from another area heard her and came over to me and asked if she was yelling at me. I said yes, and the other person said, “that was so uncalled for.”
Happens time and time again.
It’s Crazy Town.
And I’ve asked my internal customers if I’m giving them what they need and asked what I can be doing better, and they’ve ALL told me that yes, I’m doing good things, so WHAT the hell? I guess it’s just that they want me out so that they can bring some freshness to the area. I get that, and it’s fine. And it’s not their job to find something else for me, but the more I try, the more frustrated I get because every suggestion I make and every attempt at creating something fresh and new gets met with opposition. Or critique. Or flat out NO. And I’m not strong enough at this point (or even in the right position) to say, YES, this is what I’m going to do because I know it’s right. Because I don’t even know what’s right any more.
I wish that this phase of my life were over because I am at the end of this particular rope.
I don’t understand why I make everything in my life so difficult. I’ve always been hard on myself where work is concerned. And look at my relationships. I struggle so much trying to create perfection, knowing full well that I’m not close to perfect, that it ends up all messed up.
It’s easy to say, stop beating yourself up. But it’s not so easy to do. I hate failing at something. I hate failing at anything.
I haven’t been watching closely, but I feel a bit like Steve O. on Dancing With the Stars. You know? It’s not a really great fit for him (the whole dancing gig), but he tries and tries and stresses and doesn’t quite make it. And he injures himself. But he keeps trying, and everyone knows he’s not going to win. He knows he’s going to be booted at any moment, but he still goes out there and does his thing. I feel like that right now.
Loading comments...