As you probably have been thinking because of my lack of writing about anything of substance regarding my love life or EXMS, the “time out” with him didn’t last too terribly long. We talked pretty soon after the last entry I wrote about him (in April), and started up our…whatever it is again.
My reasoning? I felt like I needed a familiar source of support (believe me, I know exactly how that sounds, but it’s just so horribly complicated). In fact, he has been pretty supportive and cool lately, and I’ve needed that. I have to admit that when I don’t think about the fact that he fucked me over a million and one times, we have a fantastic time together.
But people, that fact remains. And it appears we finally got down to the truth of the matter tonight/last night.
See, he moved this weekend to another unit in his building. And it’s an incredibly beautiful place. Like, a million times better than the place he’s been living. He’d moved out of “our” place so quickly last year, that he really didn’t have a whole lot of options back then. You may remember me mentioning in previous entries that it’s been a year since EXMS left, so yes, his lease was up, and instead of moving back in with me (*sigh* yeeeessss, we’d actually sort-of talked about this because of financial reasons and the fact that we were getting along well..he’d even brought some stuff over at one time, but he took it allllll back when he found some texts from TMG….God, does this suck to write it all down, I’m cringing)
His new place has a gigantic terrace with a stunning view, and he’s been working on restoring some furniture and getting a bunch of beautiful antiques, etc. (the guy has amazing taste). Bottom line is, (and I hate, HATE admitting this) he’s moving up and on, as I move further and further into insecurity about myself and “us” and whatever that means.
You know, at Christmastime when I told myself over and over and over that I was going to get rid of his ass “soon”, I thought that I was making myself stronger by letting him linger in my life. I actually had myself convinced that I could use his semi-groveling as a stepping stone to help myself rise above it all. And with the job situation worsening, it was sooooo comforting to have a man in my life who knew me…knew the things to say and do that would make me feel better…kind of like a drug. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself that I was going to get out of this mess when “this” was all over, and when I was feeling stronger.
But you know what? I wonder if he was saying the same thing to himself? I just wonder. Because through it all, he’s done nothing but improve himself, while I’ve sort of fallen apart. And sure, I’ve written about how awesome it is to take a vacation of sorts, but SHIT! The truth of the matter is I’VE LOST MY JOB, GAINED WEIGHT, SCREWED A BUNCH OF THINGS UP, AND I CONTINUE TO HANG OUT WITH THE MAN WHO BROKE ME SO TERRIBLY I MIGHT NEVER BE REPAIRED WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS!!!
(how much does this hurt to write out? oh my god, this SUCKS!!! I can’t BELIEVE I’m in this situation. I might as well just get it allllll out)
And I’d talked to my friend Cindy about this too. She’s one of the few (if ONLY) people I’ve confided in about the EXMS situation because she’s been really positive about EXMS, saying that maybe we should try to work things out if we both really want it, and that if there’s even a SHRED of possibility that this might work out, that we have to examine all of the angles. And for some reason, that made sense to me, and my sorrow about everything and the fact that he’d come back after all of this…I don’t know, I can’t verbalize this part very well.
We’ve all actually done things together (outings, etc.), Cindy, EXMS and I, and she’s been a really supportive friend (and to be fair, she’s asked me some really tough questions about the whole thing…it’s not like she’s been like, “la-de-dah…oh you’re so CUTE together”, she’s been a harsh critic as well as a wonderful sounding board). Anyway, her assessment of the whole thing is that EXMS and I were BOTH being big babies and strong-headed and insecure.
So last night, I was over at his new place, and we were drinking wine on the terrace. We were having a really, really nice time. And yet, of course, my own insecurity washed over me at one point because he’s just signed a year lease on yet another place that isn’t “ours”, and so WTF is going on with “us” at this point?
And I just realized how insane this is to write out. This is truly insanity. Do you see what just happened there? The tables have been completely turned. I was going to dump HIM, remember? I was going to get rid of HIS ass as soon as I felt strong enough and was done with the whole thing.
And yet, there I was last night, watching him turn into the king of this brand new, BEAUTIFUL castle and thinking to myself that he’s really made something amazing of himself and it shows. And let’s be completely honest here, I was proud of him and jealous at the same time, and he had to know that. I mean, there I stood, the jilted ex-fiancee like a CHUMP, looking at him with new eyes, realizing that he is a catch. And I think his self-esteem has undergone some kind of super-boost, and dammit if I didn’t have a major bout of table-turning insanity.
Because I brought up the fact that he’s now signed on for yet another year and where are WE? What is going on here?
And blah, blah, blah…he’s taking things day by day and not rushing into anything and doesn’t want to be committed right now, etc…which led to this HORRIBLE kind of admission on his part, and it went something like this (this is going to be a terrible paraphrase because it hurt so much and it’s approaching 5am now):
There are two types of people, those who open the door for others, and those who don’t.
According to EXMS, I am the latter. He explained that he thinks that I’m not a kind-hearted individual. He actually told me that I missed something while I was growing up! That I am fundamentally FLAWED in his eyes, and yet, he still loves me and thinks deep down that I am “IT”…I am what he wants???
I am soooooooo confused by this, and again, as I write this stuff out, am realizing how jacked up this whole thing is. It does not compute! He told me a bunch of bullshit because he doesn’t know WTF he wants. And all the while, it’s supposed to be ME making these decisions, right? He came back to ME, didn’t he?
5am. I’m tired and going to try to sleep a little. Yuck. What have I turned into?
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