At around 4am, when I started writing the previous entry, I also sent a text to TMG. He called me right around the time I hit the “send” button. He talked with me for an hour, and then found us a coffee shop close by that opens at 6am on Sunday, so we met there and talked for three more hours. What a life-saver, my sweet TMG. How on earth would I get through it all without TMG and OD?
I realize that the things I’m writing sound pathetic, and I’m especially putting myself out there by not even going faves-only (or friends, or whatever), but I’m just angry at myself for not being a stronger person and for letting these things happen.
And there are so many things going on here. So many!! TMG talked me through so much. We talked about perspective and how we are seen through others’ eyes and just the fact that I am in dire need of loving myself above everything else. I know that these are a big DUH, but humor me because this is my diary.
He tells me that he has the ability to identify things with me just through personal experience (and OH! The stories he can tell, trust me…recovering addict, jail time, personal tragedy after personal tragedy…and the guy has lifted himself from depths I’ll NEVER comprehend). He tells me that deeeeeeep in my soul, in my heart, I actually think I’m a bad person, not deserving of a functional relationship, for whatever reason. And I’ve done a very good job of surrounding myself with success (until now) and pretty things, etc., but deep inside I don’t feel worthy and I open myself up to hurt because that’s what I know and am comfortable with.
I don’t quite get it because like I’ve said before, I’ve had a good and wonderful life up until now. What gives?
I could go on and on and on, you know. But I’m not going to. I’m so lucky to have TMG in my life right now. So lucky to have noters who try to help snap me out of it. I know you don’t think I listen and heed, but I take everything to heart and I’m trying to process it in a way that will work for me.
I’m tired and sad and scared. Drama is not becoming, I know. Especially old, worn out, tired drama. I’m clinging to the past like someone who knows she’s going to drown. Why can’t I look at this as an opportunity to start swimming? What’s it going to take? I’m flailing around and exhausted.
They say that life is all about how well you handle things that are thrown your way. I’m so horrified at my reactions to all of this. It goes right back to thinking my soul is rotten or something. How do I clean that up? How do I make myself shiny again? I’m not asking for perfection (though, I think that’s one of the reasons my soul feels so gross–I’ve always EXPECTED perfection), but a little glimmer would be nice.
Loading comments...