Having some time on my hands to think about things has been a good and a not-so-good thing. I like being able to sort through my life to try to figure things out, but at the same time, its painful trying to figure out what the hell happened to my love life and my career.
Some noters, in an effort to help figure all this out, have asked if Ive left some big things out. Perhaps there are reasons Im not writing in my diary that will explain it all. And Ive gone back through my entries and see that Ive alluded to things regarding drinking (yes, when I drink too much I get a weird streaksometimes its a silly streak, sometimes mean and a bit snarky). EXMS and I loved to drink together, but always within reason. There were three times of note where we were stupidly sloppy drunk and it turned into a mess (not my finer moments, but Im going to list them anyway):
(1) When we were first dating and he got mad at me for something stupid and threatened to leave and I threw myself on the floor so he wouldnt leave (please note, Id NEVER done anything like that before and it should have been a gigantic red flag for both of us).
(2) After my 40th B-Day party, we had a lot of leftover bubbly, so we threw a mini-party with a few friends. We were both hammered, and I was having a ROUSING conversation with Lovely Leah that EXMS didnt like the tone of, so he walked out of our loft. I found him later and we had an argument that ended in him throwing me on the concrete floor in the hallway (and that really should have been the end of itwe all know this).
(3) At Best Buds party a year ago. He was super-duper grumpy and I was trying to make him smile and feel better and enjoy himself. He refused, and I really should have just left it at that. Instead I kept checking on him, picking at him, and finally embarrassing him (not intentionally!!) to the point of him getting in the car and driving 4 hours home without me.
Its horrible to write that stuff out. Stuff of severely dysfunctional relationships, I know. Im embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and Ive since had a few opportunities to ask him for forgiveness for the things I did to tear us apart. I suppose Im thankful for these opportunities, because he has verbally forgiven me for these specific things (not that Ive forgiven myself, mind you Im still reeling from the fact that these events actually happened).
However, that doesnt change the fact that he still thinks Im fundamentally flawed. So in essence, Im forgiven for the things that I feel led to my part in our breakup, yet there are things about me that would have led to the eventual demise anyway.
Because see, its like others have told me, there will always be something. And no matter what I fix or change or improve, there will always be something ELSE thats not right about ME in his eyes. Its simply an impossible position to be in.
And Ive discovered that no matter how many times he comes back to ME and asks ME for forgiveness (he has, and Ive verbally forgiven him too), it simply is not enough to make it work.
Because fundamentally, we are still the same people! Hes still the same critical person who will find flaws in everything. And Im still the same person who reacts so strongly to those criticismswhether to disagree or frantically try to change in order to make things right.
And I guess Im lucky that we actually had a few more chances to try and figure that out, because I think at this point we are both fully aware that its simply not going to work between the two of us.
The thing that is sooooo frustrating to me is that I still think his good qualities outweigh his bad. Go ahead, beat me up for that and call me insane. I still think its true. There are things about him that I adore and KNOW that I will never, ever find in another partner.
But the worst thing of all is knowing that he thinks my bad qualities outweigh my good.
I guess thats where I need a lot of work. Because that statement rings true with my recent job situation and the reasons they gave me for firing me. While they refused to be specific, they told me that there were things that I did really, really well and other things not so well, so obviously to them, my bad outweighed my good with them too.
Rationally, I know this is not 100% the case and that there are other factors involved (work AND relationship-wise), but THAT is what I was told, and THATS what sticks, stings, and haunts.
And its not easy to just say, oh well, and move on past it. Maybe some people can do that and pretend like nothing ever happened. But I cant. And I want to make sure that a similar series of events never, ever happens again.
Bottom line is, I know Im where I am because of ME. There were choices I made and actions that I took (or didnt take) that led me to this place. Im taking a good, hard look at myself. Its not the prettiest or easiest thing to do. And believe me, Im ashamed to admit a lot of that stuff. And there are kernels of truth to the things that EXMS and EXJOB have said and done. They have their reasons, and I have to accept them. I dont have to agree, by any means. But what is done is done and I cant live in the past any more.
I can look at the past to learn lessons:
It sucks to think that Im not a bright, shining star in everyones eyesespecially the people Im closest to or work with directly. But I have to tell myself again and again and again that the tarnish comes off with polish and effort and I need to get back out into the light in order to sparkle.
Stuff to do. I will come back to do my JuPoThiMo thing later!
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