Blah de Blah Blah in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Welllll, I suppose it’s time to write THAT entry. You know, I promised sex talk in the last entry, right? I’ve been thinking and thinking about what I want to say, and I’m not 100% sure just yet, so I’m going to simply start writing and see where that leads me. How about that?

So. To start off with, I was supposed to have another date (#2) with a RAD-er that I really, really liked after the first meeting, but that date never happened! This particular subject was not only handsome, but his personality was fantastic, and I was pretty excited about getting together with him again.

But he’d stipulated that he didn’t have a lot of free time, travels a lot, takes care of his daughter, and is out dating quite a bit. Understood, but he ALSO told me that he was VERY interested in getting together again. And that’s why we quickly made a date for Thursday so that we would make sure to catch each other when we were available.

Great!

Except for the fact that he called me at noon on Thursday to tell me that he wanted a raincheck for sometime in the future (vague) because he had a soccer thing that night. Um. Really? You didn’t know that you had this earlier? He told me that he could try to get together, but he thought he’d be really stressed out and yada, so he wanted to postpone. Fine.

I think he was completely fibbing, but that’s OK. That’s his prerogative. I haven’t heard from him since then, and not sure if I care.

I ended up at a regular Thursday evening happy hour with Marci and Bill and some other people. I still had a really good time, even with my slight disappointment. Always nice to laugh with friends (and maybe dish a little as well).

Friday was a rock show at the grand re-opening of a club here in town. Cindy and I went. This particular venue was chock full of memories for me. I used to go there when I dated a musician who was playing lots of gigs, and I was the consummate groupie. Went to every single one of his shows…and LOVED it when they used to play this place.

So Cindy came over and we cabbed it to the show because we were in the mood to be crazy. And CRAZY we were! We pretty much blew it out. Cindy used to date the singer of this band and we’d seen them a few months ago at their “reunion show” and acted like complete fools. Sometimes it just feels good to be a jackass (at our own expense of course). So we did it again on Friday night.

We made our way up to the VERY front of the stage. In fact, front and center before the last band (our new friends) came on. And then Cindy decided to go get another drink or something right before they started and all of a sudden, the band started, and there I was in the middle of a friggin MOSH PIT! I quickly recruited a handsome young devil to be my protector.

And protect he did! What a doll! He kept his arms at both sides of me, against the stage, preventing any and all thugs from knocking me down. I rewarded him every so often with kisses. I’m not kidding. By the end of the show we were practically making out! I think he was all of 22. Go me.

And at the very end, we hung out with the band (because we’re groupies, remember?) until the bouncers kicked us out. And even after they kicked us out, the band followed us and we continued our antics in the street. Ah yes, recaptured youth. I’m sure we looked ridiculous but who cares? Especially when the bass player pulled me aside and told me that I had a nice ass! Oh yes, he did! And I knew his girlfriend was at the show (but where was she then?) because I’d seen her getting all excited and gushy all over his facebook page (yes, we’re facebook buds with the boys in the band).

Then Cindy and I cabbed it back to my place where we tried to drunkenly order a pizza. Fail. And I’m glad it was a fail because I’m sure I would have had pizza juice all over my face and fingers (and clothes and sheets) the next morning.

This crap is embarrassing to write.

But it was so much fun, so I don’t care.

Then Saturday, K. had asked me if I wanted to go to a gallery thing with him, and I was glad because I needed a way to bring a sense of dignity back into my life. It was just the ticket!

The crowd was chic and sophisticated and I got to dress up a bit and act like a grown-up.

However, it all went downhill when we got back to my place. We started drinking bubbly, which is fun, but we drank quite a bit. And then we got hungry. I’d gotten a bunch of already prepared Asian food (potstickers, a veggie stir-fry concoction, noodles, etc) and I heated it all up into a delicious mixture of yum! And of course, he ribbed me a bit on my non-cooking, but I don’t care because it was good and it hit the spot.

I’d been invited to a birthday party that evening by some friends who were celebrating in the basement bar, but before we went down there to celebrate, we somehow ended up in my bed celebrating something completely different.

And then we went to the party and came back and celebrated again!

And here’s the part where I don’t know quite where to go with this, because I’m not exactly sure how I’m feeling about all of this. And I want to just relax and enjoy, but I’m in a tough spot. I like him. I think. Like, a bit more than a simple case of the rebounds. But then again, I’m not sure. And I don’t exactly know what he’s feeling either.

And the problem with being ambiguous about it all is that I am kinda on a mission with a gigantic clock ticking very, VERY loudly.

But I didn’t start out thinking that this would become anything, so I let K. be something of a sounding board with regards to EXMS and TMG and my whole dating career and the fact that I was very much looking forward to being married and that my heart is shattered. Bottom line is, it feels like I’ve spilled too much and he’s supposed to be Rebound Guy and I guess we’re supposed to be using each other or something.

But it all feels a little weird. And if he really IS simply Rebound Guy, then I think I’m ready to start searching for THE ONE (I guess?) because if I have any slim sliver of a chance of having a baby (don’t blast me for saying that), then I need to get the speediest move-on I’ve ever moved onto.

This is no time to relax and enjoy.

Or is it?

The day before yesterday K. and I played hooky together! Or really, he played hooky and I was just my still-unemployed self. We wanted to go to the movies, but we ended up having a late lunch and drinks and then we went back to his place and hung out and laughed and had a grand old time and got steamy together. Mmmmm. It was delicious!

And we lingered yesterday. Woke up late and I went and ran errands and then went back to his place to hang out by the pool for a couple of hours while he did some work from home and then came out and swam with me for a while.

This kind of stuff doesn’t happen often, and while I’m truly enjoying it, I can’t help but wonder if I’m supposed to be spending more of my energy on something else? I don’t know. Something just feels….???? Not like it’s wrong or off or anything like that. Just…

Okay. I’ll say it. I wish he acted a bit more into me. Then I would feel better about spending this time. But again, I think I really put a big damper on the whole thing by crying to him about EXMS.

Lesson learned? No more EXMS talk with potential suitors! MUST STICK TO THAT PLAN!

How about I look at it like stopping any bad habit? Today will be the day I stop YAMMERING about something that is dead and gone. Today I will release myself from my BLABBING habit. It does me no good. In fact, it is harmful and dangerous.

Damage control. I wonder if it’s too late? Or should I just write this off and move on?