Confessions and Stuff in Open Diary 2001-2018 (Pre-Prosebox)

Drew, the RAD from last entry, sent me an email, which I find confusing. I was not the best company, still I got this:

”Glad you could come out to play last night. I get to take a nice girl out to dinner once in a while, not very often a lady…”

And remember the pony-tailed, guitar-playing, would-be stalker? I got this from him:

“Thought you might have found you a great guy. You sure do deserve one. Sorry I over reacted. Lol. [ed note: huh? The only thing I can think of as over-reacting was a note that he’d sent me about some other chick. Perhaps he was trying to make me jealous?] You must admit that you are quite rare. A lot of female players on this site…”

I honestly feel like I make it perfectly clear how I feel on the date. No, I don’t come out and say, I’m sorry but I’m not interested in pursuing this further. But I always think that my message comes across through body language and the way I react. Is it wrong not to follow these up with a rejection letter? Actually, I DID send Pony-Tail a “no thanks” email after our coffee date. What’s up with THAT?

I also have a big, big confession to make. After that entry about K., I stewed on things all weekend, which is fine. I spent my weekend baking and watching movies and updating my dating profile, and although I was antsy, it was ok.

But then Monday, K. sent a text asking if I wanted to talk about things. And truthfully, I did. Because even if we weren’t going to see each other anymore, I wanted to make sure that we had a mature conversation and that we’d talked things through.

I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say, and I was right. He reiterated that he was not ready for a relationship, and that we were in two different places at the moment. He even went so far as to say that he hadn’t spoken with his ex-love (the one who came to visit for the weekend a few weeks ago), but if he did hear from her and she wanted him to visit for a certain event, that he would.

I am 100% certain where we stand.

So why did I find myself having a really fun time with him after our talk? Why did we laugh so much? Why did we enjoy the hell out of each other’s company? And why did I find myself going back to his place to skinny dip in his pool? And why did I find myself having sex with him on his kitchen counter and then in his bed? Why did I spend the night and have delicious morning lovin’?

I realize that right now I’m the girl who gives girls a bum rap. I’m giving it all up for free, knowing exactly where he stands and how he feels. I’m letting him use me, right?

Or am I?

Because I started thinking about it all even before we had our conversation. I thought about it over the weekend as K. was sending texts like nothing had ever really happened. I know he’s not the one. And I know I’m not the one for him.

So why can’t I then have MY cake and eat it too? Why can’t I continue to date (well, meet other people) and keep getting some action on the side? Why NOT?

And shit, I realize how alllllllll of this sounds. I stood my ground for not wanting to be someone’s fuck buddy, and yet here I am. I don’t know what to say about that. I guess I’m not quite as strong yet as I thought I was going to be a few entries ago.

It just feels so good to finally have someone hold my attention for a while. I’m not in love, and I know it’s not gonna happen with K. But damn, he really does lavish me with some good stuff—regardless of the red flags.

Because the red flags don’t count if you’re not in a relationship, right? I’m not gonna marry the guy. I’m not even gonna be his girlfriend.

Right? Right???

Please don’t answer that yet. I’m not ready for a barrage of shame. I’m doing the best I can right now. And it somehow feels a little like healing. At least I have something to take the attention away from EXMS. And I’ll tell you something, when I have nothing else to focus on, I tend to go waaaaay back to a very dark place.

Switching gears, I’m going on a GIRLS TRIP next weekend (Labor Day Weekend)!! I am really excited! Anna, Lovely and I are ROADTRIPPING to New Orleans! Anna’s flying in from Los Angeles, and she, Lovely and I are going to meet up with three other chicas at the home of another friend who lives in N.O.

Sound complicated? Kinda. Especially since I’m traveling with divas. But I’ve decided that I’m just going along for the ride. It’s going to be a very budget-oriented trip. Free room/board and apparently we are going to be hanging out with certain parties that will fund our cocktail expenses. Don’t ask. I’m not quite sure yet. Again, I’m going with the flow here!

I am looking forward to some fun girl time. It will do some good to get away from here for a few days. The last trip I took was for that interview, so I don’t think that counts. And the time before I was traveling for work, so that doesn’t count either. I’ve only been to New Orleans once, and it was for business, so I’ve never had the true NOLA experience.

Yeah, it will be good to get away from here for a few days.

I can’t believe Fall is fast approaching. I feel like I had a good Summer vacation, but I am getting very, very antsy to get back into working mode.

I have two freelance gigs lined up for the Fall season (without even trying), so that’s good.

Time to get serious.

And I better go. My parents are dropping by this afternoon, so I need to straighten up around here. You know how you want stuff to be perfect when your parents come? Well, I have a lot to sweep up around here!