Middle of the night.
I can’t sleep. I’m back to sleeping on the couch again. Have been for weeks now (besides the nights I’ve spent with K.).
That bed makes me sad sometimes, and it’s bordering on the ridiculous. I actually felt resentful of K. the one night he slept in that bed–especially because he wanted to sleep late and I wanted him to wake up and share coffee in bed with me and talk and laugh like EXMS and I used to do.
When does it start feeling better?
I have an idea of what’s going to happen. Sure, I’ll meet someone else (I already have, haven’t I?), and it WILL be good, and we will create our own memories and our own great times. I will fall in love again. I am certain of that.
But I will never love in the same way that I loved EXMS. Truly, I am hoping for a love that’s even better, stronger. But I know for sure, without doubt, that it will never be the same.
My very first love and I have recently gotten in contact via email. He saw something about me on classmates.com and sent me a message through the website back in early June. I was clicking around online last week and found the message, so I wrote him back. And that started a flurry of emails that has thrown me for a bit of a loop.
He was 18 and I was 15 when we met and started dating. We dated for well over a year and finally broke up for a few reasons: (A) I was a virgin and refused to have sex with him, and (B) he joined the Army and was shipped off all over the world. He wrote me beautiful letters from various places, but they all stopped after he got married.
I do have very fond memories of him and had hoped that he thought of me from time to time, but I was pretty blown away to hear what an impact I’d made on his life and the things that he remembers about me.
He describes his memories of us in full-color detail. These are things I’d long forgotten or that had faded to almost nothing. This man remembers articles of clothing and facial expressions and the sound of my mother’s laughter.
I can tell by the frequency of his emails and his prompting that he wants to have more of a relationship with me than I’m comfortable with. I’m flattered that he remembers everything, but am getting frustrated with this pattern of long lost loves coming back to haunt me.
Or taunt me? With their successful lives and their marriages and their kids. And sure at first it’s GREAT to reminisce about the good old days, but then something always seems to change with the tone of the emails and they start to feel flirty or even dirty. And they think it’s OK because….why? They can have this harmless little email thing?
I’m thinking more about Super T., the more recently married ex-love who started sending me PORN stories about “us”. I finally told him to go away and not write to me anymore. And he’s actually respected that, for a while anyway.
And facebook? I’ve had no less than four conversations with exes that led to “what if…?”
What am I getting at? I don’t know. I think the bottom line is, it feels like the guys from my past have all come out of the woodwork lately to tell me how incredible they thought I was, and what a great girlfriend, and OHHHHH the memories they have of me. And if only they had done something differently, yada.
Well then WHY??? Why didn’t you do anything about it at the time? I was in LOVE with (most of) these guys. And every single one of them went on to fall in love with and marry the NEXT one who came along!!
I feel like that guy in that movie. What is it? Good Luck Chuck?
To add insult to injury, you know I’m working on a project with my floral studio friend, right? Of course, it is a WEDDING project. I’m working on a presentation aimed at brides. It’s actually quite a fun project and I’m enjoying it…we had a meeting last night and she got me allllll excited about some other ideas I’m going to pursue.
But every once in a while, as I pull images and ideas and put this thing together, I get really wistful about the wedding that never was. I really gotta stop that thinking and put that energy to use elsewhere. Like the future and not the past anymore.
You probably roll your eyes every single stinking time I sat this, but I really want a wedding. Not just a ceremony. Not just a party. I guess I should really say that I really want a marriage. I want THAT level of commitment with someone. I am so ready to be 100% in partnership with someone who I love and adore. I am sooooooooooo ready.
I mean, look. Everything that I’m doing right now is pointing to it. It’s about time that the universe finally picks up on my vibes, don’t you think?
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