[Buttinski], [Kate], [Kiki] et al are absolutely right.
I do slam my fingers in the door with EXMS.
I am Sysiphus and EXMS is my rock.
I do torture myself.
It’s true, he comes to me to feed his ego.
Everything in his life seems on track right now. He is the #1 regional manager at his work; he had the most perfect visit with his children over the summer; he has just finished doing the P90X training and looks amazing (although I think he looks too thin–sunken face, etc.); he just bought a house; he is teaching an English and Civics class to older refugees every week; his diet is completely healthy; he has all but stopped drinking (a glass of wine every now and then); he has life on a string.
I, on the other hand, am STILL not working; I have gained 15lbs since our breakup (ouuucchhh…and it could actually be more because I’m afraid to step on the scale right now); I haven’t started my business and haven’t kept up with the style blog I started last time we hung out; I have started some kind of fucked-up non-relationship with someone who is a bit like him and then let it fizzle; I have been drinking like a bloated fish, keeping up with a guy who has a really nice car that has a BREATHALYZER in it; I am eating up my savings by not having an income; I am spending waaaaayy too much time online playing around when I could just as easily be working or networking…
ENOUGH!!
If there’s one thing that EXMS was good for, it was keeping me motivated. He MADE me want to be a better person and do good things and look great. He really did. Now, I will tell you that I was never good enough when it came to EXMS, so all of that eventually backfired, but I really was motivated in the beginning and was very, very proud of myself.
And really, our meeting was motivating to me. Sure, it was weird and stirred up a lot of the wrong feelings, but deep inside I could feel those get-going feelings coming to the surface as well. I think that’s the good that came out of the lunch for me.
So I’m going to do my best today to throw away the bad, ugly, aching feelings that came from this and pull out the things that make me proud of myself. I really WAS strong and upbeat–even if that was a bit of a facade (I have a sneaking suspicion that his was a facade as well). I’m still very excited about the future. And [Tuggus] put it very well in a note: baby steps.
I sent out 20 linkedin contact requests last night, and the replies and emails are rolling in! I also emailed about 10 resumes with cover letters. I am working on my company name (STILL! WTF…it’s harder than it sounds!) and am setting a goal to have it registered before the end of the week. I am heading to my gym class later this afternoon, and will add 30 minutes of cardio. Then I will come back and update my linkedin profile and make a list of all the contacts I need to make this week.
I’m shutting up now and getting to work.
I love you.
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