Well, this is getting very, very old. But once again, this is my diary and I’m going to use it to document. So here goes.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand it at all. What is so fucking wrong with me that I can’t find a partner in this world? I know that’s not what life is all about, but I am just so lonely. So hideously lonely right now. I feel desperate. Pathetic.
I’m feeling like a shithead right now, but I get so frustrated when I hear about people who break up with someone and they are happily dating within weeks, and they find someone to partner up with so quickly.
You know, I was really proud of myself for expressing my feelings with K., and I am proud of myself for not contacting EXMS. But where does that get me? Alone on a rainy Sunday. Alone every day.
There aren’t even any potentials on the horizon.
I will be 42 this month.
It’s not like I haven’t tried. Could it be that I truly am a bitch or too difficult or unattractive or just plain too old?
And the kicker is, I’m trying my damnedest to love myself and be kind to myself and treat myself gently. I want to be the best I can be FOR myself so that if and when I do meet someone who is as interested in being someone’s partner too, we will both be very happy with the people that we are.
What am I doing WRONG?! I seriously wish someone would come forth with a straight answer. Not a platitude. Not some shitty, snarky remark. Seriously, there has to be something so glaringly wrong with me.
Why else would someone ask me to marry him and then back out at basically the last minute?
Why else would somebody want to be my fuck buddy and nothing else?
Why else would I go out on alllllll these dates and people don’t want to see me more than twice?
I’m not sending out desperation signals…I know I’m not! I’m not being a bitch on these dates.
I know I need to look to the future, but there has to be something to glean from the past, right? Something I can change??!!
I just don’t get it, and I’m scared that if I don’t get it at almost 42 years of age, then I’m NEVER going to get it. I mean COME! ONNN!!! I’ve been here before. Look back at my diary. I was here at 25 and 30 and 35 and 37 and 40! I mean, what the F-U-C-K????!!!!!!
And I’ve had no less than three therapists tell me that it’s not me–it’s THEM, but then WTF right there!!! Is it just that I’m picking the wrong potential partner?
Is that what it is? Or is it that no one is giving me a straight answer? Anyone? Anyone????
And yes, I know that I should just suck it up and be prepared to be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve been down this path before. I’ll be fine. But I certainly won’t be satisfied. I’m sure that there are many people on this earth who have that desire to walk this earth solo. But I’m not one of them. I truly and strongly believe that I was meant to be partnered. I have much too much inside me that I want to give to someone.
In the meantime, I know that it’s wrong to wait for someone to come along. I need to be using that energy on something else. I’ve kind of been doing that, but it’s a different kind of energy, you know? It’s just not the same.
Just can’t seem to shake this frustration.
Meanwhile, this loft isn’t cleaning itself, so I’ll take some of that different energy and put it to use.
I feel a little bit better putting it down here. Thanks for listening to me whine. Again.
**EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION**
And no, this is not an edit for the anonynoter who obviously hasn’t read my diary past the last few months.
Really, I don’t have a type. The guys I’m “picking” are all very, very different. I’m not going for gorgeous, though the men I date are all very handsome–to ME. They may not be handsome to everyone, but I obviously need to be attracted. That’s just a given. I don’t know people who have love affairs with people that they don’t have an attraction with. Is that even possible?
Yes, everyone has baggage. From the very beginning I knew EXMS had baggage, and I decided to make the very best of what we had to offer each other. You see where that got me?
Yet I did pick a man with baggage and warts and all. And I loved him unconditionally.
And just so you know, he had NO social status. In fact, he just moved back into this country after living in another country for 14 years. He had some family here, but didn’t even have a job when we met. He was just barely getting back on his feet when we met. I had no ulterior motives with him and knew that I was falling in love with a guy who would probably never be wealthy, but that was fine with me.
K. is probably the exact opposite of EXMS. They look completely different and in fact, their personalities are like night and day. Where EXMS wasn’t extremely social in large crowds (he preferred intimate gatherings), K. is gregarious and eats alllll of that attention up like candy. K. is also possibly an alcoholic. How’s THAT for baggage?
The other guys I’ve met recently have also been an unusual mix…each with their own positive and negative traits. The ones I’ve liked haven’t called back, and even the ones I haven’t really felt chemistry with haven’t called back either (and by the way, the British guy was extremely wealthy and could have done amazing things to my social status and would have been insanely impressive to my friends, but I didn’t feel chemistry with him)!!
So see, it’s not for lack of an open mind. It’s not for lack of trying. It’s not immaturity and snobbery.
I am open and willing to try it ALL! Really, I am! I’m spontaneous and adventurous, but I can also be cool and mellow and very go-with-the flow. I think I’m pretty well-rounded. I know I could do better, but seriously, I don’t think I’m a judgmental person. Believe me, if anything I’ve been incredibly accepting of others’ judgmental behavior.
Maybe that’s what I need to change?
I don’t know. I’m going to ponder some more while I finish some laundry.
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