That’s more like it. I’m up, sort of awake. Coffee is brewing.
I forgot to mention this as I was rambling on yesterday about Company #3 and Company #57, etc. (they’re getting so confusing I’m going to have to give them fake names at some point!)…but the company who’d called me about a designer position sent me a reply to my earlier check-in, asking me if I had some more work examples I could just send on over via email.
While all of this is okay to request, I guess, it just kind of pisses me off because (1) these people are local–as in, 15 minutes from where I live, and (2) many companies seem to be the same about design projects. Meaning, “thanks but no thanks” and then you see your work on their floor 8 months later.
I don’t mind sending them some more examples, but I know that my area of expertise is not exactly what they’re looking for, and I’ve already sent over the file that I thought would be most important to them.
Just frustrating. And I need to make that phone call to turn down that sales position later today and it’s bugging me. Simple phone call, but I hate to do it for various reasons that I don’t feel like digging into right now.
Coffee’s ready. Not a moment too soon!
I talked on the phone with K. yesterday a couple of times for various reasons. He all but invited himself over, and I didn’t really have to decline per se because it was never an official offer to come over and I never really invited him.
Then I cracked open the book that Kelly let me borrow last night. It’s a companion book to Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements, and the very first agreement states:
“Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”
Question: Am I not speaking the truth or with integrity if I omit? I mean, if he was hinting around and I just didn’t take the bait on purpose, is that wrong?
I guess the bottom line is, if it feels wrong it probably is, ya know?
I just went on to write a whole bunch of crazy stuff about how much I like having K. in my life, but your private notes are all correct: staying in this limbo with him is more than likely keeping me from meeting someone else. And even if I DID meet someone else, I probably wouldn’t be 100% open to the possibilities.
Look, I’d like to keep K. in my life as a friend. But I obviously need to stop beating around the bush regarding being his lover (which he still thinks I am even though we haven’t slept together for something like two months).
Am I truly that wishy-washy? I suppose I am. Do I really lead people on? I am going to read that first agreement in full–the one about speaking with integrity.
And speaking of words, you are right. Yes YOU. In a previous entry I did leave out a couple of important facts about what happened the other night with K. You know how I said he overstays his welcome? I actually let him spend the night with me (no, we did NOT have sex…in fact, didn’t even touch!) and most of the next morning (and I was SOOOOOOO annoyed with him because he would. not. leave.) and I did pull out all of the ugly passive/aggressive moves I could muster to get him out of my space. Gah. Embarrassing.
What is so hard about saying no? Plain and simple?
Okay. I just wrote some other stuff, but again, it’s time to stop beating myself up and calling myself names. I realize that this is MY diary and I can write whatever I’m feeling, but if I simply reinforce my weaknesses, than how am I ever going to improve? I just seem to keep circling this same headspace and obviously something has to shift here.
I’m going to end this for now. Let the day begin!
Loading comments...