I think about posting pictures and writing all the time, and I just don’t seem to get to a place where I can. I woke in the middle of the night/morning this morning and just wanted to get a bunch of this stuff out.
I miss being here. I miss noting. I’ve been reading as much as I can and noting here and there, but I just miss this community so much. Been on facebook off and on and that’s cool, but I’m still feeling quite disconnected with myself lately. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m overwhelmed at work and very unlucky in love lately.
Things going on lately:
I adore my boss, but she’s clueless as to how much STUFF has to happen behind the scenes. She doesn’t care, nor should she. It’s her job to manage all the worker bees.
Meanwhile, I find myself spending so much extra time researching the background of everything I touch, trying to find answers to the quizzical questions that I tend to get. And no, don’t think that I don’t ask questions…but not only is my co-manager almost as new as I am in the area, but the rest of the team is pretty new as well, so when I ask the tough questions, they tell me that they don’t know the answer and to wing it.
So I do. But I feel like my hand gets slapped every step of the way!
My dad gives great advice, and he tells me to just forge forward and not to be paralyzed and afraid about making mistakes because everyone makes them, but it’s getting tiring to have people tell me about all the things I’m doing wrong!! Then tell me how it’s supposed to be done and I’ll gladly do it the right way!! And yet, nobody can seem to do that!
Don’t get me wrong, there are a million things I’ve done right. As a matter of fact, I’ve brought a lot of innovation to my team and things I’ve learned from my various other experiences. In fact, I’m JUST starting to see some of the fruits of my labor here and there (developed a whole new set in-store ads/images/marketing concepts that will be in over 1000 retail stores at Christmastime even though marketing/advertising is NOT my job), and created a presentation format to be used going forward that was extremely well received.
I know that this is allllll part of being in the workforce, but I hope that it gets easier. Yes, rationally as a newbie, I know it will. But I’m RIGHT at that point (a week from three months in) where I’m not NEW new, but I’m still VERY new at this job.
Urgh. Enough of that. I need to get to the office early as it is. Long, LONG day ahead and then home to pack and leave for Los Angeles first thing tomorrow morning. Work all day in L.A. on Friday.
Excited because I’m staying through the weekend with my friend Anna!! That will be a lovely little quickie trip full of friendship and wine, sun and ocean, boating, and of course no visit to Anna would be complete without dressing to kill and dancing till dawn! I don’t care if I’m 42, I still love to party with Anna!
Yeah, it was a little weird, but we had a pleasant lunch al fresco at a little cafe close to my office. He was friendly, yet still had that fucking judgmental eye, looking me up and down and I’m sure mentally taking notes on the 15+ pounds I’ve gained since our breakup and my desperate need for a haircut and my pale, pale skin.
Very light conversation, nothing heavy at all. It was fine, fine, fine.
He drove me back to my office, and I told him not to make fun of….something (I can’t remember what) when I got out of the car. He said he wasn’t looking at anything, but as he drove out of sight I could hear him calling to me, “Get a haircut!”
That fucker! Still jabbing.
Know what? I don’t give a shit about him and as a matter of fact, feel really good that I could face him without feeling sad, mad, glad…or really anything. I’m glad I went.
Yeah, I need to write a separate entry about this because as I sit here and tap this out, my eyes are actually stinging with tears.
Peeps, I like him. Dammit. He’s slipping away if he isn’t already gone and I just don’t know what to do.
(1) Matt the Squirt–I can’t even explain and I’ve run out of time anyway
(2) The Return of Massage Man–You won’t want to miss THIS!!! Oh no you won’t!!
(3) My new friend, Irms. Fun times.
Bottom line is, tons and tons of action lately. I’m exhausted and a little sleep deprived and mostly happy.
But that nagging thing, that illusive thing.
I’m rarely alone anymore. But I almost couldn’t be lonelier.
I love you and I miss you and I need you. Further information to follow. Please bear with me. Thank you. X.
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