OK…so thanks for the thoughts. I am considering and re-considering all of my options. I do want to hear it straight. I do want a pragmatic approach, but I’m open to other methods and other means. I also know that every time I tell my story, the practical approach always seems to come out as, “It’s not you, it’s him.”
So what do I do?
And what does that mean? Does that mean that I don’t need to change anything in my life? I don’t think that’s the case. I do know that like attracts like and water seeks its own level, or however the saying goes. So what does that say about me? I have read a million relationship and self-help books, and I swear, I thought I was loving myself! I thought I was being true to myself! I thought I’d found a healthy equal!!
How can it be that I was DUPED!!?? Does it mean that my moral compass is broken as well? Does it mean that I just don’t know how to read people at all? Or does it mean that I just don’t trust my instincts?
Something is obviously wrong with this picture. I am so confused. And I feel so patronized by these books. I have taken a good look at myself. I have taken steps. I have spent alone time. I have explored my spiritual side. I have worked on it!
Why do I have to keep going back to this well? Trying to pump, pump, pump something more out?! What IS IT?!! Really, I am SO SICK OF MYSELF!
SexyPants and I are on a hiatus. We have decided to back away from each other so that we (I) can get some clarity. While it hurts, I am taking this time to do a lot of soul searching (again)–and hopefully apartment hunting as well.
That hotel room is the most depressing place I have EVER lived in my life. Why I keep going back there night after night is confusing to me. It hurts to be there. Physically hurts.
I have to get out. In fact, I want to start fresh. I hate that I am once again looking for an apartment. In fact, I resent the hell out of it especially because SexyPants and I had been looking at big, beautiful houses to buy with tons of space and gorgeous landscaping and beautiful views and entertainment areas and stunning master bedrooms with giagantic closets…
I guess that’s why I drag my feet. Everything I look at is teeny tiny and expensive as hell. OR the location sucks. And I just dread moving again. And I’m just so fucking sad as hell.
And I seriously don’t get it. Why is this happening? I truly thought I finally deserved something very, very good.
I want to know answers. I want to know why so that I don’t keep burning my hand on this stove over and over and over again.
I still love you.
GS
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