Ok, so yesterday I was thinking it was Thursday for much of the morning. Today? It’s truly Thursday. That means I got to the office and was immediately met by a crying Krab Kakes telling me she “just can’t fucking take it anymore!!!”
Nice, eh?
I say, like it or lump it. I believe there are going to be some changes around here pretty soon. I’m getting ready!! I’m actually kind of excited.
So yay. Already had the BIG, big meeting this morning (after Krab Kakes Krying jag). I canceled my other BIGGER meeting later this morning and I think I’m going to cancel my conference call because I don’t have much to say today in respect to work.
Speaking of long-winded, MAN did I yak at the counseling session last night! It was great. Did you know that I LOVE to talk? Really, I should get more of it down in writing in a semi-private place like this, but WOW…I could have talked to that therapist for hours.
I really, really like this guy. I’ve never had a therapist who I felt like was really listening to what I had to say and actually gave advice that I can use, you know? I’ve always been to people who I felt like were either (a) not listening at all, (b) trying to find a textbook description of me, (c) a complete fucked-up wack job. Even this woman who I’d seen a couple of times (the one who wanted to analyze all my dreams) was not quite doing it for me. But this guy I like. This guy I respect. He is down to earth and direct, not wishy-washy and all therapy speak.
Anyway, look. Bottom line is, I am pretty easily manipulated. Definitely not as easily as I used to be, but it is so obvious to me when I sit down to tell my story. If you’ve ready my diary you know this to be true about me, right? I have been known to be fairly easily swayed by guilt and sometimes even bullying. I used to chalk it up to being a “nice” person, but I see that that’s not really what it is/was. I want to be accepted. I want to be liked. I can’t stand to think that someone is mad at me. So I have a repeated rap sheet of rolling over and letting my belly show – mostly (almost exclusively, really) in romantic relationships, but sometimes in friendships too.
I believe that this is what has gotten me into certain sticky situations.
Like I said, looking back it is easier to see. I went through some of the history of my dating life. Exploring my past relationships is so much easier now that there is time and distance from those people/places/things. Remember LDL? Remember EXMS? They do not hurt to talk about anymore!!! In fact, I was really embarrassed to tell some of those stories. Wow. No wonder people just wanted to slap me sometimes. Snap OUT of it!!!
Okay, so maybe I’ve been a pushover in a lot of respects in my past. Maybe in my not-so-distant past. But. I have been working on this unconsciously, I guess. And I’m starting to get a handle on how to be much, much more assertive lately.
I want to outline a bunch of this when I have more time. But just know that I’ll be focusing on this a lot in the future.
With regards to SOS, well, he is a challenge. A big challenge. And I know that he will always be for as long as he is in my life. That doesn’t mean it’s always bad–it just means that he is mentally ill and that there is no cure for that. It just has to be managed.
It is NOT my responsibility to manage that. It is NOT my issue to tackle. In fact, I have spent too, too much time and mental energy focusing on SOS (you have no idea–I’m too embarrassed to tell you how many hours I’ve spent googling, clicking, scratching my head, crying, fretting, etc.). I have enough stuff to worry about for myself. I cannot continue to try to solve the unsolvable.
In fact, yesterday in therapy it felt like I was given permission to be let off the hook where SOS is concerned. Bottom line is, the responsibility lies squarely on his MOTHER and FATHER. Not me. Not even if I became his stepparent. Not my job. Not even my place.
More on that later.
OK! Stuff to tend to.
I love you!
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