I love your notes (including and especially the private ones), so thank you! I’m still swirling with the thoughts from yesterday. Trust me, your input counts and I think it’s gonna take me a little while to sort out my thoughts on that topic. I just want to know that there are still really decent people out there in the world.
And yes, it IS personal. For various reasons:
1. The super personal part is (obviously) in my relationships. My love relationship being the most important becuase it’s where I give my most attention. Too much, I’d have to say right now. This trusting thing becomes very obsessive in that respect, and I deserve to cut myself some slack here. It doesn’t do me any good to spend so MUCH of my energy here when I could be putting it into so many, many other things. Friend relationships are another story. Lots of thoughts on this area too. Integrity, trust, time devoted to each other, gossip, etc. What does it mean to me and the people I call my friends? Do I trust my friends? Family? Do I just have MAJOR trust issues??? Is it me? The people I choose/don’t choose to have in my life? Who have I let in and who do I want in?
2. Work relationships. Have you ever worked with Chinese companies? Have you ever been in China? I know this is generalizing, but it is widespread there and possibly most other places in the world, but I see it soooooo highly concentrated there (because I go there and immerse myself in it). Everything, and I mean everything is fake there. And if you don’t see a fake something or other (from the clothes you wear to the food you eat), it can be made/had/faked quickly and easily. And not only that…there is just an undertone of fakery that’s a given. On the business side for sure, but even when you walk down the street, there are people there to take advantage of your particular whim. I mean, you want massage? Sure! But even if you’re NOT there for a happy ending (say you worked out hard that day and just want a nice muscle rub), you will be pushed and coerced and fondled and prodded and pleaded with for that “special massage”. You want a fine 18-year old single malt Scotch? Chances are, you will get a jigger of imposter swill. You want chicken? It will be cooked in gutter grease, which is waste oil that’s been scraped from waste bins to be resold on the black market for reuse in cooking.
And I KNOW, I know! You can call me out for working in this industry and supporting alllll of this. You are right. They pay me decent money to go to China to witness this and work in this environment and be a part of it.
However, I don’t make fake stuff. I don’t employ slave labor. It’s not my job to seek out unfair practices. Yet my eyes must always be open, and it’s also my responsibility to call out anything out of the ordinary when I’m there designing and developing my products. From what I can SEE, my business is on the up and up. Still, I can’t help feeling a little chill when I fly home from these trips.
Look, I’m just trying to sort out my feelings and process them here.
3. For the future. Does any of this ever end? Is it even suposed to? Is this just a part of life like hurdles or holes that we either jump over or fall into? Is it all just a TEST?
Believe me, I’m no perfect angel, but I want to look back at my life and be proud of myself, you know? I want to say I did my best without cheating, being fake or falling into the trap. But. Does it make me an accomplice to stand next to a not-so-honest person? Is that guilt by association? What if I don’t know???
Ugh..I’m spinning in circles today. I feel like I may be on the verge of something.
Stay tuned, I suppose.
I love you.
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