OK. I am going to try this in a word document so that this entry may just have a chance of getting posted. The last few days Ive written entries at work via the OD site only to have some other window crash or something, making me lose my whole entry(ies). Bummer. Ive been wanting to write for days now.
I am on the verge of something. I dont know what, but Im waiting it out. A few things are happening in my life lately:
SP has been working so very, very hard on us. I can tell. Every day. He has taken so many steps to better himself and us and it is so very endearing as well as encouraging. I wrote a few entries back that he brings me joyand he does. I feel happiness swell in me every time we are together and he promises every single day that he will try for as long as I will let him. Thats a very, very good.
But theres still this twinge, you know. And it sucks that it will more than likely be there for as long as SP and I will know each other. Im trying to figure out a way to make that work for me
like letting this uncertainty always be a bit of a barometer for me to watch help guide me. Not obsessively, mind you. But as a precaution. With anyone. Not just SP.
So how does that fit in to a future for us? My thought right now is to give in to the good things while always keeping my head about me. I can and DO enjoy our times together, but I knowI know that if anything in the form of indiscretion should ever pop up, I will be O.U.T. He has been given his second chance. This is it. He/We are living it. Yes, its sobering. But perhaps this is how it should be. I have had trouble with boundaries in my past. I still have some issues. SP obviously does as well. We are both working on ourselves while enjoying each other. Its working now. It may not always, but for nowwe are good. Really good. Better than I thought.
I have my own place, still. SP and I are not talking about moving in together right now. We do a rotation of sorts, spending some nights together at one place or another and some nights solo. I dont know if this is good or bad for our relationship, but again, its working for us right now.
I will wait to write about SPs son, SOS until I have more information on whats going on with him. Unfortunately, there is no planning when it comes to SOS as he seems to change on a daily basis. That is the problem: volatility.
Something WILL be done at the workplace. I feel this sucking, you know, when the ocean water starts pulling back and pulling back and pulling back before the BIG WAVE hits? Yes, a tsunami is coming and I feel like Im just watching and waiting while more and more of the beach is exposed.
But Ive taken a couple of steps in another direction, and I dont know where its going to get me, but theres going to be a huge change where either something swoops down and picks me up and takes me to a completely new locationor I will get hit with the giant tsunami wave. Either way, its going to involve lots of swimming (NO sinking!! Will not let that happen!). Something is going to happen for SURE
so brace for it.
Went to the vet yesterday. Old-Man Cat (The Tan Man) is turning 19 next month. Nine-TEEN! Can you believe that? He just keeps going and going. Poor ol guy also has hyperthyroidism and of course, the signs of kidney failure. Thats just that, you know? Thats what happens when they get old. Took him to the vet yesterday and he was offered three options for the hyperthyroidism: radiation, life-long medication, or a super special diet. I just want to keep him happy and comfortable, you know? I want him to live out the rest of his days in a nice place, with no pain or meds or yucky food. I just want him to be happy. I havent decided what to do yet.
So, with the joyous-yet-twinginess with the relationship, the impending changes in the workplace, the pseudo-temporary-ness of my living situation and the old-guy-ness of my cat, yes there are changes aplenty ahead of us! Its all good. I am enjoying things as they come and working on the worrying. I mean, it truly, TRULY does no good to worry.
And with that, Im out for tonight. Have this jazz cocktail thing that Im looking forward to. And you know
getting ready for the BIG stuff!
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