Tonight I’m still sitting at my desk at work. I’m waiting to pick up SexyPants from his biz trip. My office is about 10 mins from the airport and I’d dropped him off before work on whatever day that was. We’ll be going to his house tonight and I’ll spend the night and then we leave in the morning for Wedding Weekend.
I’m a little bluesy this evening. I think it’s because OUR wedding was supposed to happen two weeks from this weekend’s wedding.
It’s strange because I’m kinda over it (our whole wedding thing), and yet…
I’m kinda confused.
Kinda sorry for myself.
I really DO have those moments when everything, EVERYTHING is so wonderful with SP. Like, we can overcome alllllll of this bullshit and he can finally love me with his whole heart, his true heart.
And then sometimes I’m so fucking furious about the whole thing.
And sometimes I laugh my ass off with euphoria. I do feel TRUE joy.
And then sometimes I’m just hopeless becuase if it were JUST SP and me working through all of this stuff, I’d probably be OK. But there’s this huge (and I mean HUUUGGGEEEEEEE) entity called SOS (Son of SexyPants). And SP needs to figure it out. Even though I know that there is truly no “figuring it out” when it comes to mental illness. It’s just that there needs to be a plan in place where there is nothing.
I’m concerned by that.
Many may say that I’m wasting my time, but I don’t believe that. I believe that there are things left undone here. I believe that there is more to come that is good. I know that for the vast majority of the time I am very, very happy.
But there is still some niggling. I am listening very closely. I am listening to my gut. But my gut does not say go, does not say stay. My gut says hold.
Hold.
Hold.
There is a reason, I know.
So then, what? How long do I wait and hold? Are we on the verge of something immediate or will it take 20 years to find out?
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