Thank you, everyone, for your words. You have no idea how much they mean to me…always. It’s an impossible situation, and I know that not everyone agrees with my opinions and actions, but I’m doing what I think is best for the situation at hand and my mental and physical well-being. I may be completely wrong from others’ viewpoints, but I can only do what feels like the right thing for me.
As for SOS, I can’t say. In certain ways I feel like the biggest jerk for opting out of trying to be a close step-mother figure to him. But he has such a strange sense of the whole “mother” thing anyway. All he knows about mom right now is that he hurt her and that’s why he was in residential treatment. So to think of me as a mother figure is weird to him and he’s even told counselors that he’s afraid he’ll do the same thing to me. Yes, he has.
Why doesn’t SP understand how frightening that is? All SP will say about it is that his ex used to agitate SOS all the time – yell and scream at him and that I’m nothing like that. Well, I don’t believe that SOS sees it that way. He just knows that moms are difficult to deal with and that he hurt his own mother. Why, as the potential wife of his dad, might I be any different?
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m super-cautiously semi-hopeful. For what, I’m not sure. But I have this strong feeling that things are going to shake out within two months. I don’t know what makes me think two months, but the fact that SOS usually goes through a honeymoon stage with new situations – he’ll probably be fine for a little while and then everything will turn.
I can only go by history. This time, I don’t have faith that he’s capable of bucking his own trends. Nor do I believe that he even wants to, what with his dad there to keep him from having to face consequences.
My hope is that he will do something that will place him back into full-time residential care. Not because I don’t want him around, but because HE TRULY NEEDS IT!!
I am sick to my stomach over this. I may lose somthing very big…again.
I’ll be back.
Love,
GS
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