“Big deal. Death goes with the territory. See you in Disneyland.”
Richard Ramirez (the ‘Night Stalker’) after being senanced to death for 12 first-degree murders, one second degree murder and thirty other major offences of rape and burglary.
This was originaly from the 1947 Manchester Uni RAG MAG.
Tact is what prevents friction, and is the oil which keeps the wheels of society moving easily and smoothly.
When your Host asks you to stay a few months longer, thank him awfully, but send a telegram to yourself as soon a spossible, for you can be sure that if he wanted you to remain he’d just let you stay on without asking.
Don’t attempt to cultivate your Host’s aquaintance. He doesn’t want to be cultivated. One of the main reasons why he asked you to come was because once in his house, he could forget you without giving you cause for offence.
If your Hostess wants to introduce you to her daughter (who hasn’t yet arrived) you can be sure that she is plain and ordinary, because no respectable mother would ever think of introduce you if she wasn’t. Of course you must never attempt to avoid the introduction, but you can pick out one of the other men to re-introduce her to immediatly. If the daughter is beautiful, introduce yourself.
Upon entering the room and finding the fire hidden somewhere behind a barrier of bodies, don’t hlaf suddenly, and with feigned surprise, say the weather has suddenly become chilly. That’s too obvious for effect. Again don’t whatever you do, charge blindly into the mob untill you are stopped by the bars. Just call out in a frightened tone that you believe that a fire has started in the dining room, and hold the door wide open, as a gentleman should.
When at a table:- If there is only one piece of cake left, and someone is eyeing it with intent, don’t make a hasty immodest and undignified grab for it. Ask the other very sweetly to pass the bread or butter or something and help yourself at leisure.
If your neighbour at the table is making heavy weather of soup, don’t whisper loudly to your other neighbours that old so-and-so ought to use a stirrup pump; instead, ask himif he can hear anything; if, when he stops and listens, he says yesyou know he is intellegent and will stop drinking the soup; if he says, no, then you must tell him in a confident whisper that you honestly believe the Hostess should stop letting her five cats from wondering about in the kitchens.
If a person talks to you with his mouth full, ask him a leading question, quickly put some food in your mouth and make him wait for your reply to his answer until you’ve finished masticating.
When a person exgurgitates in your ear, don’t leap away with disgust registered all over your face. Ask him vaguely if he likes listening to the wind, for you loathe it. If this fails, nothing remains for you but to exgurgitate more loudly in his ear.
If one of the guests asks you to lend him a fiver, say that’s funny, but you were wondering if you could borrow a tenner of him.
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