DANIEL learns how to become a WIZARD in a series of semi unrelated scenes that aren’t DRAMATIC, FUNNY, or even particularly INTERESTING.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE (CONT’D)
I’m learning how to cast spells and
ride brooms.
Numerous scenes lead to shots featuring COMPUTER GENERATED ANIMATED CHILDREN.
ADULTS IN AUDIENCE
Er.. That’s actually really
creepy. I think I’m going to vomit.
These CGI CHILDREN are thrown about as if they were made of RUBBER. The ADULTS IN THE AUDIENCE shuffle uncomfortably in their seats.
For the next HOUR, the FILM SCRIBES scramble to translate each page of the book into screenplay form, resulting in an EMOTIONLESS CHRONICLING OF EVENTS.
CHRIS COLUMBUS
See, what I’m doing here is taking
all of the heart of this story and
just showing you what I think
everything from the book looks like.
This way, the element of imagination
in children is completely destroyed,
without in any way contributing to
any child’s sense of wonder or
imagination. I’m a complete cretin.
The AUDIENCE OF CHILDREN fails to notice, becoming mindlessly absorbed into CHRIS COLUMBUS’ vision of HARRY POTTER, which is probably less imaginative than the visions of everyone in the AUDIENCE.
FILM EXECUTIVE
Yes yes! Enjoy the film! Stop
reading! Return to the world of
movies and product merchandising!
Victory at last! Muahahahahaha!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Annoying support characters,
assemble!
EMMA WATSON AND RUPERT GRINT
Reporting!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
We must uncover some bullshit about
a stone and some three headed dog
thing. This involves obvious villain
Alan Rickman.
They progress through the stages of the real-life version of the Harry Potter Video Game. Eventually, they land on giant chess board.
EMMA WATSON
This is very original.
They play chess. This, sadly, is one of the more interesting moments in the movie, and it’s a fucking game of CHESS.
RUPERT GRINT
Oh no. To win, I must valiantly
sacrifice myself. Chess pieces have
all been completely destroyed when
they were taken before, which means
I shall surely die. Goodbye Daniel
Radcliffe, it’s been great landing
an essentially useless role in your
movie.
He sacrifices himself and is knocked onto the floor and hurts himself slightly.
RUPERT GRINT (CONT’D)
That wasn’t bad at all.. but if
they know I’m conscious, I’ll have
to watch the horribly stupid ending
coming up.
He pretends to be asleep.
IAN HART
Ha! It is I, the nerdy professor.
The bad guy is actually this hideous
thing living on the back of my head!
You all thought it was Alan Rickman,
but you were fooled by your own
prejudice!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Truly we were blinded by our own
image-based assumptions. We should
never judge a book by its cover, or
a professor by his sketchy behavior
and needlessly unpleasant demeanor.
IAN HART
Now, Daniel Radcliffe, I will
destroy you, just like I destroyed
your mother and father right in
front of you when you were a child!
DANIEL, seething with vengeance, obliterates IAN HART. He cries out in anguish as his life escapes his body, leaving a cold, dead lump of mush.
PARENTS IN AUDIENCE
This is a children’s movie, right?
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
Actually, Harry Potter is suitable
for all ages! Didn’t you read the
books?
PARENTS IN AUDIENCE
Are you kidding me? I have more
than one digit in my age. Of course
I didn’t read them, fuck the hell
off.
DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS
You think you’re so big now. You
won’t think it’s so funny to mock me
when your damn kids make you sit
through my godawful three hour movie
a hundred more times.
END
Copyright 2003 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author’s name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.
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